Small Portion of Chips Sparks Famine Worries, Festival

Ireland is bracing itself for another wave of mass emigration, as fears of a new potato famine sweep across the nation.

The potato shortage was first noticed yesterday, when several office workers received unusually small portions of chili-cheese-chips for lunch, in Paddy Cullen's - a vaguely popular public house in Ballsbridge.

The meager helpings, while tasty, were completely unsatisfying, and looked ridiculous - languishing in the bottom of their large bowls.

Chili-cheese-chips, Ireland's second-favourite dish (after sandwiches), consists of deep-fried chips of potato, covered with a layer of beef mince in a tomatoish sauce with kidney beans and a air of chili, all smothered in a warm duvet of melted cheddar.

MCD have organised special Exodus Festival ferries to deal with the predicted panicking masses. A spokesman for Irish Ferries said "There will be additional sailings from all ports, beginning next Monday morning. Tickets will be available from Ticketmaster and usual outlets."

Justin Green of MCD excitedly claimed "This new famine exodus will be a great experience for the paying punters. Rumours that the outbound ferries will be overcrowded and flooded with a slurry of urine, vomit and excrement are unfounded. There will be hot-dogs and one brand of beer available on board, and untrained angry people from Northern Ireland will be given jobs as sea-security."

Green then took a large potato from his pocket and licked it suggestively, made a "cha-ching" type noise and laughed like a maniac. He then produced an Uzi from his jacket, tossed the vegetable into the air and shot it to pieces, covering the reporter in a starchy pulp. He then said "Stand aside peasant!" and left abruptly.

Ferry destinations are yet to be confirmed, and are subject to license.