Taoiseach Calls For Ban on 'Unconstitutional' Music

Artless British female song-singers Allen (Lily), Adkins (Adele), Marling (Laura) and Nash (Kate) have had suffered a major setback today, as the Taoiseach called for their music to be banned in Ireland.

The motion went unopposed in the Dáil, and has been welcomed by community leaders around the country.

All existing CDs of their work are to be scratched deeply with a compass, an awl, or some similar implement, according to draft guidelines. All offending music in digital formats (such as MP3) is to printed out in binary form and shredded. All Irish-resident owners of banned material will be compensated with Prize Bonds.

Ahern (Bartholomew), referred to Article 29, section 4 of Bunreacht na hÉireann, but declined to explain how this was relevant.

Allen, Adkins, Marling and Nash were not asked for their opinions on this new ban, as it was presumed they would have nothing to say.

Some sceptics have cast doubt on Ahern's ability to follow through on this ban, following his controversial decision to renege on his 2006 'Ban-Dana' campaign, and suggested that Allen, Adkins, Marling and Nash may well end up singing future Fianna Fáil theme-songs.

When PB asked what he thought about getting into Myspace, Ahern replied "The dwelling of every citizen is inviolable and shall not be forcibly entered save in accordance with law". Ahern then gave PB a hip 'Ban-Dana' bandana from the glovebox of his car, before winking and driving away at a legal speed.