Michael Jackson Fathers Nani

The foundations of music and sport were shaken today, when it emerged that popular Portuguese footballer Nani is the son of popular American singer, Michael Jackson.

Jackson has now confirmed that Nani (aka Luís Carlos Almeida da Cunha), is the child he had formerly disowned in his 1983 hit song, Billy Jean. In a statement today, Jackson said "Billy Jean was my lover, and the kid is my son. And she wasn't like a beauty queen from a movie scene, I made that up, she was a five dollar doxy." Jackson claims he intends to rerecord the song, to reflect this new admission. "I need to put things right," he said.

Nani, of Manchester United fame, has refused to comment thus far, but sources close to the greasy winger (thought to be his teammates John O'Shea and Carlos Tevez) say he is "chuffed" and "can't wait to meet his creepy new dad".

Michael Jackson had a spell with OSC Nice between his Thriller and Bad albums, the latter of which is thought to be about his short time as a professional footballer. His old manager, Jean Sérafin, said "Michael was a really bad midfielder."

Despite ignoring Nani since his birth, Jackson did actually pick the boy's name. "Billy Jean just called me and asked me to pick a name - I didn't want to talk to her, so I just said to call it Nanny so she would leave me alone. I like nannies," said Jackson.

Jackson's other son, Blanket, is thought to be a keen sportschild, and Michael hopes that meeting his big brother might help Blanket overcome his fear of reality. "I can't wait for Nani to meet Blanket - maybe playing with Nani will give him the confidence to take of his veil the next time he plays soccer."

Jackson is expected to attend United's game against Arsenal at the Emirates Stadium next weekend. It is understood that each time Nani does a somersault Earth Song will be played over the PA system.

Aktiebolaget Gas Accumulator

I found an AGA in the hedge today. I might build a kitchen around it.

Apparenly "AGA Saga" is a genre of fiction. The stories are generally about stereotypical AGA owners.

I might write one. Here. Soon.

Phantom Star Signs

Aries - There will be things floating in your tea today. Avoid tea.

Taurus - You will develop an itch - rub it with a hair brush. If you see more than six children today, quit your job.

Gemini - Your blog is awful. Delete it and go to Chad.

Cancer - You will meet a man or a woman today, near a magpie. Kill the magpie for prolonged good fortune. Beware of Spar.

Leo - Beware of architecture, weather and stairs. Stop reading the Mirror. To be king of the jungle call me on 1560 933 587.

Virgo - Fuck off, Virgo.

Libra - Pre-heat oven to 180ºC/350ºF/Gas Mark 4. Place the Baking Cases into a cupcake tin. Cream together the butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Gradually beat in the eggs and the vanilla extract, if the mixture starts to curdle, add a little flour. Fold in the remaining flour with a metal spoon. Place spoonfuls of the mixture into the Baking Cases and bake for 15 - 20 minutes until well risen and firm to the touch. Remove from the oven and leave to cool on a cooling rack.

Scorpio - Treat yourself to some new cheap make-up and some earrings from Argos. You deserve it.

Sagittarius - You were an accident.

Capricorn - Tyne Dogger Fisher German Bight Humber - East veering south or southwest 3 or 4, increasing 5 or 6 except in Humber. Slight or moderate. Occasional drizzle. Moderate or good. There are warnings of gales in Rockall, Malin, Hebrides, Bailey, Fair Isle, Faeroes and Southeast Iceland.

Aquarius - You look like an androgynous she-boy, get a haircut.

Pisces - Don't allow reality to cloud your dreams, eat more cheese to improve lucidity while sleeping. Demand a raise, proposition that person you fancy, purchase a Ferrari/pair of shoes, wake up, moan about life all day.

Dolanius (special bonus star sign)- You will not have to share your fate with one twelfth of earth's population today - your day will be completely unique. It is likely that you may elbow a lady or fat gentleman in the chest in a crowded space. Ask them for their number. For more information, blow your nose and interpret the tissue.

Young Stalin On Quornography

Young Stalin shares his views, on a variety of modern issues:

#2: Quorn

I was listening to the radio today, whilst cleaning my pipe, and there was some discussion on the subject of Quorn. Ah, Quorn I thought, laughing to myself - synthesised lumps of fungus-based fake meat. How unappetising, and how unhelpful to local agriculture.

And why would a person choose to eat fake meat anyway? I won't get into the merits of vegetarianism here, but surely if one opted for that strange and unsatisfying way of life, one would stick to eating porridge with the meat taken out (you could give the succulent chunks to your dog), or even vegetables. Nutrition can be found elsewhere. Shchi (cabbage soup) is excellent.

Alas, many turn to Quorn. But does it come in grey, uniformly square cubes? No! To my dismay, i have discovered that Quorn comes in over seventy different shapes. Sausages, burgers, nuggets, sandwich slices, escalopes - there's even a "roast" that you can carve!

But what is my problem with Quorn, you may be asking? Well it's a matter of choice. Why, oh why, should vegetarians have more types of sausage to chose from than us omnivores? There are ten different types of Quorn sausage! Ten! Fake-sausages with cheese inside them, or leeks and onions, or apple and sage! The last time I ventured outside the walls of the Kremlin, my local butcher only had one type of sausage, and even he didn't know what was inside them.

I see a pig, I eat a pig. It's a natural reaction. I find these new bastard sausages offensive, ill-conceived and insensitive to the feelings of the common sausage lover. Only a true omnivore knows how it feels to be full of sausage. It is the ultimate satisfaction after a hard day's work down the mine, or at the camp, or wherever you, dear reader, may be assigned to work presently. Therefore, if one choses to reject sausage outright (as vegetarians do), then one should waive the right to this satisfaction.

But I am a reasonable man, and I suggest a compromise - Quorn should be allowed to exist, but only if it looks like nothing else edible on earth. They must invent novel shapes and cease to imitate noble pork products. This culinary plagiarism is totally over. From now on, Quorn should look like rocks, or slugs, or faecal matter (all three of which are found in 85% of rural wells) .

Then, let us see how many enticing variations those Quornograpers can come up with. I look forward to analysing the sales figures in the new year.

That is all.

Grey - A Review

Grey is my favourite colour. Here are some of my favourite shades, their hex triplets, and some associated trivia:

• Arsenic - (#3B444B) : the dark blueish grey of the element Arsenic. The 1944 film Arsenic and Old Lace is a shit old movie by Frank Capra.

• Taupe - (#483C32) : A vague dark greyish colour. They say taupe is very soothing. Some people think taupe is brown or tan. They are wrong.
  

• Davy's Grey - (#788878) : A greeny grey colour. They say Davy turned this colour one day, shortly before vomiting.


• Feldgrau - (#4D5D53) : A light grey/green colour. The preferred shade of the German military in the early 20th century.
  

Here are the top five things that look good in grey:

1. Stone
2. Corduroy
3. Brain
4. Modern Technology
5. Stripes

Thank you, reader.

Top 5 Staunton & O'Leary Anagrams

Steve Staunton:

1. Veto Anus Tents
2. Taste Oven Nuts
3. No Tetanus Vets
4. Vote Nuns Teats
5. Tuna Stones Vet

David O'Leary:

1. Already Void
2. A Lardy Video
3. Dialed Ovary
4. Avoid Dry Ale
5. Oily Rave Dad

Leaf Blower Insanity - Ringsend

Dear Mr. Gormley,

I live in the Thorncastle St area of Ringsend. As you may know, this is generally a quiet part of Dublin, with little traffic, or noise created by residents. However, I would like to bring to your attention the large amount of noise created in the area by a few other sources.

Firstly, every Monday and Thursday mornings at approximately 7:30am, two men with leaf blowers begin work outside the apartment and office complex beside Ringsend Community Centre. These men seem be employed by a company called Domestic And General, and work around this complex in a maintenance capacity.

I say work, but in effect all they do is relocate minimal amounts of dust, cigarette butts and the odd leaf in Autumn (are there even any trees on Thorncastle St?). They blow these small amounts of debris from the footpath onto the road, and then proceed to blow the dirt under nearby parked cars - presumably so it cannot be seen. They do not pick up or remove any of material from the area. Now while this behaviour seems futile and illogical, my main problem with it is the noise the process creates. The leaf blowers are extremely loud - they sound like chainsaws being revved ceaselessly outside my window. One of the workers prefers a sustained rev (nnnnnnNNNNNNNNN), which the other prefers staccato revving (nNN, nNN, nNN, nNN, etc). I get up each morning just before they start, and my breakfast is truly ruined. I can only imagine how people who are still trying to sleep must feel.

Secondly, in the area at the end of the street, beside the boat club, which is surrounded by green "Zublin" hoardings - there is a large yellow lifting machine on short rails which seems to move back and forth. I do not know why this is needed here, nor do I care, but again, early every morning, and all day until work ceases - as it moves on its rails, a loud bell sounds. I realise this bell must be sounding for safety reasons on the site - but should such a loud bell be allowed right next to a residential area? The same site also seems to have some sort of motion sensor alarm at night, which when anybody comes near, triggers what is either a crazy man or a recorded message over a loudspeaker, which proclaims in a bizarre fashion "This is a restricted area! You must leave this area immediately!" Again, I understand that the company do not want intruders or loiterers, but when one hears these proclamations late at night (after 11pm), images of some Orwellian curfew come to mind - not to mention the fact that it must disturb residents trying to sleep. Surely if I were to open my windows, turn up my stereo system and holler loud dystopian threats into a microphone for all to hear I would receive a visit from the Gardai.

My next complaint concerns motorcycles. Recently Thorncastle street has become a 'rat-run' for motorcycles, as there is a gap in the wall at the end of the street, which allows motorcycles to drive through the wall beside the aforementioned Zublin hoardings and across the East Link bridge, presumably avoiding the toll. This in annoying on a number of levels - they create noise and traffic, many drive too fast on a street where many local children play, and why should they get away with not paying the toll that all other motorist must pay? I don't really blame the motorcyclists - the gap is there for them to exploit, but surely this should be made impossible for them - forcing them back onto the main roads and away from our formerly peaceful residential area.

Finally, the amounts of dog faeces on Thorncastle St continue to amaze me. A few signs have not and will not solve the problem. I and others must navigate this minefield daily.

I apologise if this seems long winded, but these issues are very annoying and I'm sure many other local residents feel the same way. Perhaps, as my local TD, there may be something you could do about these issues. I would be very obliged if you or someone from your party could investigate these issues of nuisance and noise pollution in your local constituency.

Regards,

Milkbox

Luas Hamilton Plans Unveiled

Speedy youth, Lewis Hamilton, announced this afternoon that the new extension of the Red Luas line in Dublin will be named after him. Hamilton (opposite), was speaking to Phantom Bacon in an exclusive interview, shortly after capitulating in the final race of the Formula 1 World Championship today in Brazil.

The new Luas line, or Luas Hamilton as it will be known, will run from Connolly Station to The Point, and is expected to be operational by 2012. As part of the lucrative deal, Hamilton will also have his name officially changed to Luas Hamilton, and will wear a Luas hat whenever he mounts the F1 podium for the next 8 years.

Hamilton revealed that this new light-rail endorsement had helped him to deal with the disappointment of losing out to Kimi Raikkonen. He said "I've been shafted by Ferrari today, and by Fernando Alonso all year, so it's great that I am getting a fat cheque in the mail from Luas." The exact details of the deal remain undisclosed, but it is thought that Hamilton will pocket an eight figure sum. After being nudged by a nearby man in a suit, Hamilton went on to say "Eh, ride with Luas Hamilton - aways fast and reliable! Get to The Point - with Luas!" The embarrassed Hamilton then excused himself politely, and went to play PS3 with his friends in the McLaren trailer.

Ken Arthurs, spokesperson for Luas, said "This is a great day for Luas, now that Lewis is the new face of Luas and has agreed to change his name to Luas, I am sure Luas and Luas will go from strength to strength."

Rugby World Cup Makes Girl Cry

An angry father has threatened the Rugby World Cup 2007, after the major international sporting event made his daughter, Dominga (opposite), cry.

Javier Alfaro claims his daughter became very upset whilst watching the Rugby World Cup Final, contested by Jonny Wilkinson and South Africa, in their hotel room in Paris. He has openly threatened the tournament, declaring his intention to "kill the world cup".

Mr. Alfaro (below), a plumber from Peurto Deseado, southern Argentina, has been on holiday with his daughter in Europe for the duration of the tournament. When asked why his daughter had become upset, he replied "The World Cup of Rubgy is a shit, Garryowen! Garryowen! Every time!, I will kill the World Cup!"

Ms. Alfaro was almost too upset to comment, but did say "Matthew Tait has no purpose."

In a statement, IRB chairman, Bernard Lapasset, said that Mr. Alfaro's threats were being taken seriously, and all necessary precautions would be taken. "The safety of the Rugby World Cup 2007 is quite important - if the tournament were to be killed, rugby union would would be in disarray." It is understood that armed men and scary dogs will be used to protect the tournament in the coming days, until the Alfaros can be flown back to Argentina.

Aging Argentine scrumhalf, Augustin Pichot, condemned the threats, saying "This is a very un-Argentinian thing to do, dude."

French police are refusing to comment on whether Mr. Alfaro has broken any French or EU laws.

South Africa won the offending tournament, beating the lackluster Jonny Wilkinson, 15-6.

A Messay on Blog Production Values

Blog content has varied in quality since the mid 1800's. This variation has typically been met with a varied reaction from readers, critics and awarding bodies. Despite 150 odd years of debate on the matter, there seems to be no general consensus in blogging circles on the issue. The question should blog content be any good?, remains both pertinent and unanswered - and, perhaps, unanswerable.

Blog content can be subdivided into two main categories - text, and graphics/other stuff. The quality of text has improved noticeably since the invention of fonts, but still remains hampered by the individual blogger's grasp of language, grammar and typing.

Notable textual heavyweight, and everybody's favourite gay, Stephen Fry (opposite), blogs with alphabetical vigour, but is let down by his graphics/other stuff. (One must scroll down 37 times to discover a picture.) Perhaps Fry and his team should deploy some higher production values. Or, could it be that Fry is using poor graphics/other stuff intentionally, to somehow amuse?

According to the Internet, "Low production values can be an intentional or unintentional source of humor. [Things] are often enjoyed, not in spite of, but because of their comical special effects, glaring continuity errors and poor [graphical] quality". This new take on blogs and their analysis may seem outlandish to traditionalists, but is certainly worthy of investigation.

High production values, while admirable, may actually be a waste of time. Time - a vague, unproven and intangible concept - can be wasted in many ways, and again there is no consensus on this issue. Spending time creating impressive visuals, which may only be viewed half-heartedly by the masses, is unsustainable for the average blogger.

On the other hand, cheap and cheerful MS Paint doodles can offend and cause physical pain, yet advocates are pushing the view that they are better than nothing. But can something be better than nothing? If nothing does not exist, by what criteria could nothing be judged to be worse that something?

Popular Snackblog, Phantom Bacon, has recently used several low production values, in an experimental fashion. Despite using these train-crash graphics, when compared to Fry's efforts, PB is a veritable orgy for the senses. (Touch, smell, taste, sight, hearing, etc.) Textually though, Phantom Bacon disappoints, frequently employing cliche and lacking useful information or any real insight.

With both these titans of the blogging world failing, in ways so apt for this messay, it remains to be seen if blogs have a future on the Internet. Blog content continues to be both bad and good regardless, and until we, the humans, can agree on which is more desirable, Google's web crawling algorithms will continue to shovel blog links of varied quality into easily browsed lists.

Alternative Medicine Email

Special Offer - Free from Phantom Bacon, to print out and keep, or email to your sick sick friends:



Also, if anyone were to take a photo of themselves using the Alternative Medicine Email, and send it to phantombacon@gmail.com, they might receive a prize, or something.

Sentence Of The Day!

Milkbox puts the latest three Word of the Day entries from dictionary.com into a splendid sentence, to aid your education.

#4: Even the most purblind man, when going about his quotidian affairs, must realise that extant pressures rotate the brain.

Bobby Robson Slates Staunton

Doddering international babysitter, Sir Bobby Robson, has finally lost patience with Republic of Ireland trainee manager, Steven Staunton, declaring he no longer wants to know the Dundalk tactician.

"If you are intelligent, constructive, fair and reasonable, then I'll go along with you. But if you are destructive, unfair, unreasonable, unintelligent, I don't want to know you."

Staunton has made a number of hilarious selection and tactical decisions throughout the Euro 2008 qualifying campaign, and now, with chances of qualification thoroughly buggered, some people have begun to question the appointment of a man who had never even played Kenny Dalglish Football Manager on the Commodore 64. In response, Staunton stared blankly into the sky and said "I had California Games."

Robson then went on to patronise troubled Stan.

"He has not had it like I did at Ipswich; 14 years of experience, of going into Europe. Stan came into it new, blind if you like. But he is a better man-manager now than he was two years ago."

Staunton has defended his selection choices, highlighting that Andy Keogh is "great at footbag", and that Andy Reid has "only recently got the hang of flying disk."

In conclusion, Sir Bob then summarised the woeful campaign.

"Aside from Cyprus when we got a thrashing - one we shouldn't have had - and San Marino when we nearly had another shock, in the other eight games I feel we've given decent performances and come close to getting maximum points."

Admittedly, it is not Staunton's fault. If I were offered the job I would have taken it too, but this is supposed to be the top job in Irish football. Staunton would have been suited to a more modest post - perhaps shooting directly from corners coach, or left back coach, but in hindsight and indeed normal sight, his appointment was probably shortsighted.

New Ship - Completely Syncable

Mariners around the globe celebrated today, as the latest evolution of ship design was launched in Rosslare Europort, Co. Wexford. This new type of vessel is completely syncable, according to prominent nautical sources.

The computer simulated image outlines the nine ingenious components of the ship. They are as follows:

1. Front
2. Knee
3. Hammerhead Shark Inlet
4. Side
5. Sync Hole, with fan
6. Back
7. Chimney
8. Sync Deck
9. Top

It is thought that the Sync Hole is particularly important in relation to the unprecedented syncability of the ship. This feature allows the ship to sync faster than any other ship in history, and relegates unsyncable ships into the history books.

The captain of the world's first fully syncable ship, Captain Ivor Mainland, had this to say at the launch this morning: "This is a proud day for me, as Captain of the Zealous Floater, and I am privileged to be the first person to sail one of these marvelous ships out into open water, where I plan to sync it immediately!"

When asked what a ship is - he succinctly replied: "You can put your boat on a ship, but you can't put your ship on a boat."

It remains to be seen whether completely syncable ships become the norm in worldwide shipping circles, but the outlook is promising, and it is hoped that the Navy will adopt the design principals before 2017.

The ship is compatible with most PDA's, laptops, sat nav systems, blackberries, PSP's, mobile phones and SNES, but not with any Apple products. An Apple spokesperson said: "We have no interest in exploring the ocean at this moment".

Sentence of the Day!

Milkbox puts the latest three Word of the Day entries from dictionary.com into a splendid sentence, to aid your education.

#3: Oh Fanny! why must you truckle to that man - he is but an agglomeration of sinew and baseness, and obviously completely impervious to modernity.

Spire of Dublin - Wilting

The Spire of Dublin is officially bendy today, according to eye witness reports. The formerly straight stainless steel monument appears to be wilting, possibly due to global warming or terrorism. Other possible causes, such as religion, homophobia and tectonic movements have not yet been ruled out by Gardaí.

Authorities are understood to be consulting top panel-beaters and plumbers to ascertain if the Spire can be straightened, though the cost would likely be prohibitive.

A resident of O'Connell St said "Ah jaysus, sure it's fucked - any spare change there love?"

A government official made the following statement: "Have you people nothing better to do than look up into the sky all day? And who said it was meant to stay straight for ever anyway? It's art - you can't predict art. This is obviously just a Fine Gael ruse."

It is expected that in the coming days that a team of Chinese scaffolders will be flown in to erect a supportive bamboo scaffold around the ailing metal pole. The area around the base of the Spire has been evacuated indefinitely, with traffic being diverted through Lusk, and shops from Henry St and Talbot St relocating to a temporary car-boot sale type market in the Phoenix Park.

Young Stalin - On Music

New feature! Young Stalin shares his views on a variety of issues.

#1: Music

There is so much good music around today, that it seems more relevant to speak of what is bad. Namely, Athlete. Athlete are so bad, that they have managed to redefine the boundaries of good taste. Yet, largely due to propaganda and whinging, Athlete have gained the support of certain sectors of the populace, and even some non-state controlled broadcasters. This is the worst kind of mass brainwashing I can imagine.

I once had the misfortune of seeing Athlete perform their catalogue of horrors at a festival in Yalta. To my dismay, they were on stage directly before a band that I am quite fond of, however I was determined to get to the front and secure a good vantage point for the impending show. Imagine my shame when people mistook my pushing for Athlete-related enthusiasm! My life reached a new low when Athlete shat their song Wires indiscriminately into the ears of all in attendance. This song, about a baby in intensive care, is so godawful that it won an Ivor Novello Award (an award discredited by aural terrorists such as Lightbody, Blunt and Glitter). As this song creaked along, lovers whispered in each other's ears, and a dreamy fog of amour enveloped us all. In my experience, fog causes horrible road accidents.

Despite chronic over-exposure, militant fans of Athlete concoct conspiracy theories about why their beloved ear-molesters do not get more radio airtime, claiming that radio stations "decide who becomes a major player in the pop music franchise". The band has been frequently frustrated by singles just missing out on a top 40 chart spot. This is because nobody wants to buy them.

Athlete's latest offering Beyond The Neighbourhood, has been touted as a disappointment by some, and an interesting sidestep by others. Personally, I suspect that it was created by a team of depressed robots with learning difficulties.

Athlete it seems, are like most athletes - one dimensional, repetitive, badly dressed and destined for a short and undistinguished career.

Y. Stalin

8 Ball Promoted to Major

Milkbox reports

A four year old 8 ball has been promoted to the rank of Major, in the Royal Marines. This startling rise to prominence has made him one of the youngest ever Majors. He has been assigned to Headquarters, Combined Operations - a post which Phantom Bacon has been assured, is very important. A spokesperson for the marines emphasised Major 8 Ball's decisiveness and leadership qualities, and said "He was the obvious candidate. . ."

Major 8 Ball made time for a brief phone interview with Phantom Bacon earlier today:

PB: Major are you happy with your new post?
Major: Definitely.
PB: What will be your main duties?
Major: Ask again later.
PB: Will you be available to take another call later?
Major: Yes.
PB: Do you have time for a couple more questions now?
Major: Maybe.
PB: Do you think a four year old Major can gain the respect of his subordinates?
Major: Absolutely!
PB: What makes you so sure? It is unprecedented in military history.
Major: Outlook not so good.
PB: I see. We're out of time - anything else you'd like to say to the readers of Phantom Bacon?
Major: Definately.
PB: Yes . . . go ahead.
Major: No way!
PB: Okay, thank you for your time Major.
Major: My sources say no.

Sentence of the Day!

Milkbox puts the latest three "Word of the Day" entries from dictionary.com into a splendid sentence, to aid your education.

#2: Yo banana boy - your physiognomy is not befitting of a barkeep, and this excuse for beer would not slake the thirst of an otter - I will not drink it, nor pay for it, see! - now sir, a war is won, and I leave as I entered - thirsty but victorious, for you have taken nothing from me but two worthless palindromes - good day!

Joe Dolan - National Man of Mystery

Joe Dolan - rampant rural charmer, balladeer, fashion pioneer, psychological enigma, intercontinental ice breaker, King of Las Vegas, bone trader, everyman - one of the great known unknowns of Ireland, and the World.

Here are ten FACTS you may or may not be aware of:

1. Joe Dolan is no ordinary vocalist. He has an enormous range and a large number of hits to prove it. The romantic, the crooner, the disco belter - Joe can do it all.
2. Joe recently sold his hip on eBay for €680
3. Joe was the first western performer to play a gig in the Soviet Union. Even in pre-prerestroika days his bootleg tapes fetched large sums on the streets of Moscow.
4. Joe's UK #3 hit Make Me An Island, was penned by Albert Hammond.
5. Joe used to babysit Albert Hammond Jr, in Mullingar.
6. Joe pioneered the use of suits that didn't change colour when soaked with sweat.
   
7. Tar and Cement was voted Greatest Song You've Never Heard Yet by the NME.
   
8. Joe has been cited as an influence by Radiohead, Dylan, Duran Duran and Morrissey.
   
9. Joe was the only reason the red Luas line was routed to pass the Red Cow Inn.
   
10. The catchphrase "There's No Show Like A Joe Show", has been scientifically validated.

• Fancy Paper, for you to print, cut out and keep
  

Patrolling PB

Episode #1

I love my patrol boat. I anchored about three hundred metres off Pacific Beach and paddled ashore on my board. I had the hairiest chest on the beach that day, but none of those waxed fucks had a patrol boat. I secured the board to the scariest looking dog I could find and went for breakfast at Kono's. Twelve minutes from boat to French toast - a new personal best. The place was full of tools that morning.

"I want peanut butter and jelly!"
"We don't purvey it dude."
"You don't purvey shit!"
"Quod erat demonstrandum, dude."

He left. I ordered Kono's Big Breakfast #2 and sat down. The conversations in there were completely implosive. Baseball and bacon and the periodic table. I resisted the urge to spray lead around that pretty café. I ate and left. The dog turned out to be a seal or something. I brought him back to the patrol boat. He'd earned it.

. . . . to be continued.

You should eat at Kono's, more info here, from Chowdownphoenix.com

Milkbox Goes To London

Last weekend, Milkbox visited London - a large city near Europe.

One thing that caught Milkbox's eye was a statue of a man on a horse, wearing nothing but a cape! The grand carving depicted this hero of a bygone era riding dangerously through the museum one-handed, whilst sending a text message.

More on London later in the week perhaps.

Sentence Of The Day!

A new feature! Milkbox puts the latest three "Word of the Day" entries from dictionary.com into a splendid sentence, to aid your education. This sentence may or may not be accompanied by a suitable picture on occasion.

#1: Oh Fanny, don't be facetious - how am I to fat myself for winter on such an exiguous diet, your jesting leaves me cold; must you be so maladroit with me always?

Scientists Test Lead Balloon Theory

Surprising results suggest lack of buoyancy, unwieldiness-

The lead balloon was put under the proverbial microscope by top minds at Dublin's most expensive university recently - laying to rest the age old debate concerning the validity of the popular saying "(x) went down like a lead balloon", to the astonishment of academics and others.

The results, published yesterday in a handy booklet, outline the redefinition of the socio-linguistic properties of the lead balloon, and balloons made from other similar materials. Lead lead scientist Francis Smithroll lead his team of students through a series of, presumably complicated, experiments to prove, and indeed disprove, various popularly held beliefs. He said at the launch of the booklet this morning:

"This is a proud day for scientists, balloons, lead and science. Once again we have proven to academics and others that science is valid . . ."

Asked what he felt was in store for lead balloons in the future, Smithroll had this to say:

"I see no reason why the lead balloon can not continue to be used as a proverbial simile."

Speculation is now rife in the halls, with fellows wondering what simile Smithroll and his team will tackle next. One was heard hollering excitedly

"It's got to be as slow as molasses in January!"

Smithroll refused to be drawn on the matter, declaring his intentions in the short term were to "enjoy the moment" and "have a party".

First Impressions

Milkbox arrived at The Internet today. He surveyed his new domain. It seemed to him a leafy and unspoiled, yet profoundly unimpressive place.