Sentence of the Day, #5

Milkbox puts the latest three Word of the Day entries from dictionary.com into a splendid sentence, to aid your education.

#5: Due to the harrowing greyness of his office and the appealing verdure seven floors below, it seemed to Dave, at the time, quite cogent to defenestrate himself.

Newsflash! Push-riots!

Self-referential, absurdist humour blog, Phantom Bacon, attempts un-advertised, ironic hiatus - succeeds - returns triumphantly, resumes blogging in a seamless and nonchalant fashion, push-riots ensue.

Large crowds of pushy people wearing vests, and others gathered around PB HQ, hoping to catch a glimpse of the Phantom Baconeer, or even Milkbox himself. "Woe betide any other less absurd blogs in the vicinity," said one onlooker and push-riot enthusiast, "do you like my rolled up trousers?" he went on, before being pushed firmly backward with a transparent plastic tray by an anti-push-riot official. The pushing continues tonight - the push-riot is ongoing, and will shortly achieve official 'push-siege' status.


A second, and possibly related push-riot in nearby Dublin also made the headlines today, though it was less important, and was initially written off as a period film-shoot by the Gardaí. As all photographers were at the PB HQ push-riot, we only have a drawing of the Dublin push-riot. As you can see - this push-riot was quelled by a lone horseman, with a length of plastic pipe.

Small Portion of Chips Sparks Famine Worries, Festival

Ireland is bracing itself for another wave of mass emigration, as fears of a new potato famine sweep across the nation.

The potato shortage was first noticed yesterday, when several office workers received unusually small portions of chili-cheese-chips for lunch, in Paddy Cullen's - a vaguely popular public house in Ballsbridge.

The meager helpings, while tasty, were completely unsatisfying, and looked ridiculous - languishing in the bottom of their large bowls.

Chili-cheese-chips, Ireland's second-favourite dish (after sandwiches), consists of deep-fried chips of potato, covered with a layer of beef mince in a tomatoish sauce with kidney beans and a air of chili, all smothered in a warm duvet of melted cheddar.

MCD have organised special Exodus Festival ferries to deal with the predicted panicking masses. A spokesman for Irish Ferries said "There will be additional sailings from all ports, beginning next Monday morning. Tickets will be available from Ticketmaster and usual outlets."

Justin Green of MCD excitedly claimed "This new famine exodus will be a great experience for the paying punters. Rumours that the outbound ferries will be overcrowded and flooded with a slurry of urine, vomit and excrement are unfounded. There will be hot-dogs and one brand of beer available on board, and untrained angry people from Northern Ireland will be given jobs as sea-security."

Green then took a large potato from his pocket and licked it suggestively, made a "cha-ching" type noise and laughed like a maniac. He then produced an Uzi from his jacket, tossed the vegetable into the air and shot it to pieces, covering the reporter in a starchy pulp. He then said "Stand aside peasant!" and left abruptly.

Ferry destinations are yet to be confirmed, and are subject to license.

Dave!

Dave!

Dave! - Episode #1


*Dave! is an original creation, limited only by the capabilities of MS Paint and the quality of my brain.

Lost Searchers Found, Here

Here is a list of what the last 28 of you strange people have typed into various search engines, resulting in you ending up here, in PB:

1. sentence of the day
2. michael jackson
3. nani michael jackson
4. Nani michael jackson
5. michael jackson
6. Aktiebolaget Gas accumulator
7. leaf blower at night
8. "joe dolan"
9. leaf blowers and there effects
10. leaf blower wont rev all the way up
11. pichot, cry
12. Leaf blower and toilet paper machine
13. syncable
14. bacon michael jackson
15. Medicine email
16. "Purblind" in a sentence"
17. albert hammond
18. Red Luas, hamilton
19. nani michael jackson
20. luas dublin humour
21. music nani
22. leave blowers
23. phantom bacon
24. jonny wilkinson interviews
25. BOBBY ROBSON
26. Messay
27. ireland+navy+new vessel
28. "young stalin"

Interesting. . . . I can't help being slightly worried about you #12.

You searched for "Leaf blower and toilet paper machine". Are you looking for a machine that will blow leaves and dispense toilet paper? Do you have leaves in your bathroom? Do you suffer from incontinence while gardening? Do you have leaves in your pants?

If anyone can shed any light on this issue, please leave a comment.

Others worthy of a mention:

#14 - Jacko is a butcher these days?

#22 - You can shout all you like - BOBBY won't hear you.

And for today's special treat, look what is the #1 result when you search for 'bacon michael jackson' on Google Images: Nice

Taoiseach Calls For Ban on 'Unconstitutional' Music

Artless British female song-singers Allen (Lily), Adkins (Adele), Marling (Laura) and Nash (Kate) have had suffered a major setback today, as the Taoiseach called for their music to be banned in Ireland.

The motion went unopposed in the Dáil, and has been welcomed by community leaders around the country.

All existing CDs of their work are to be scratched deeply with a compass, an awl, or some similar implement, according to draft guidelines. All offending music in digital formats (such as MP3) is to printed out in binary form and shredded. All Irish-resident owners of banned material will be compensated with Prize Bonds.

Ahern (Bartholomew), referred to Article 29, section 4 of Bunreacht na hÉireann, but declined to explain how this was relevant.

Allen, Adkins, Marling and Nash were not asked for their opinions on this new ban, as it was presumed they would have nothing to say.

Some sceptics have cast doubt on Ahern's ability to follow through on this ban, following his controversial decision to renege on his 2006 'Ban-Dana' campaign, and suggested that Allen, Adkins, Marling and Nash may well end up singing future Fianna Fáil theme-songs.

When PB asked what he thought about getting into Myspace, Ahern replied "The dwelling of every citizen is inviolable and shall not be forcibly entered save in accordance with law". Ahern then gave PB a hip 'Ban-Dana' bandana from the glovebox of his car, before winking and driving away at a legal speed.