Michael Jackson Fathers Nani

The foundations of music and sport were shaken today, when it emerged that popular Portuguese footballer Nani is the son of popular American singer, Michael Jackson.

Jackson has now confirmed that Nani (aka Luís Carlos Almeida da Cunha), is the child he had formerly disowned in his 1983 hit song, Billy Jean. In a statement today, Jackson said "Billy Jean was my lover, and the kid is my son. And she wasn't like a beauty queen from a movie scene, I made that up, she was a five dollar doxy." Jackson claims he intends to rerecord the song, to reflect this new admission. "I need to put things right," he said.

Nani, of Manchester United fame, has refused to comment thus far, but sources close to the greasy winger (thought to be his teammates John O'Shea and Carlos Tevez) say he is "chuffed" and "can't wait to meet his creepy new dad".

Michael Jackson had a spell with OSC Nice between his Thriller and Bad albums, the latter of which is thought to be about his short time as a professional footballer. His old manager, Jean Sérafin, said "Michael was a really bad midfielder."

Despite ignoring Nani since his birth, Jackson did actually pick the boy's name. "Billy Jean just called me and asked me to pick a name - I didn't want to talk to her, so I just said to call it Nanny so she would leave me alone. I like nannies," said Jackson.

Jackson's other son, Blanket, is thought to be a keen sportschild, and Michael hopes that meeting his big brother might help Blanket overcome his fear of reality. "I can't wait for Nani to meet Blanket - maybe playing with Nani will give him the confidence to take of his veil the next time he plays soccer."

Jackson is expected to attend United's game against Arsenal at the Emirates Stadium next weekend. It is understood that each time Nani does a somersault Earth Song will be played over the PA system.

Top 5 Staunton & O'Leary Anagrams

Steve Staunton:

1. Veto Anus Tents
2. Taste Oven Nuts
3. No Tetanus Vets
4. Vote Nuns Teats
5. Tuna Stones Vet

David O'Leary:

1. Already Void
2. A Lardy Video
3. Dialed Ovary
4. Avoid Dry Ale
5. Oily Rave Dad

Luas Hamilton Plans Unveiled

Speedy youth, Lewis Hamilton, announced this afternoon that the new extension of the Red Luas line in Dublin will be named after him. Hamilton (opposite), was speaking to Phantom Bacon in an exclusive interview, shortly after capitulating in the final race of the Formula 1 World Championship today in Brazil.

The new Luas line, or Luas Hamilton as it will be known, will run from Connolly Station to The Point, and is expected to be operational by 2012. As part of the lucrative deal, Hamilton will also have his name officially changed to Luas Hamilton, and will wear a Luas hat whenever he mounts the F1 podium for the next 8 years.

Hamilton revealed that this new light-rail endorsement had helped him to deal with the disappointment of losing out to Kimi Raikkonen. He said "I've been shafted by Ferrari today, and by Fernando Alonso all year, so it's great that I am getting a fat cheque in the mail from Luas." The exact details of the deal remain undisclosed, but it is thought that Hamilton will pocket an eight figure sum. After being nudged by a nearby man in a suit, Hamilton went on to say "Eh, ride with Luas Hamilton - aways fast and reliable! Get to The Point - with Luas!" The embarrassed Hamilton then excused himself politely, and went to play PS3 with his friends in the McLaren trailer.

Ken Arthurs, spokesperson for Luas, said "This is a great day for Luas, now that Lewis is the new face of Luas and has agreed to change his name to Luas, I am sure Luas and Luas will go from strength to strength."

Young Stalin - On Music

New feature! Young Stalin shares his views on a variety of issues.

#1: Music

There is so much good music around today, that it seems more relevant to speak of what is bad. Namely, Athlete. Athlete are so bad, that they have managed to redefine the boundaries of good taste. Yet, largely due to propaganda and whinging, Athlete have gained the support of certain sectors of the populace, and even some non-state controlled broadcasters. This is the worst kind of mass brainwashing I can imagine.

I once had the misfortune of seeing Athlete perform their catalogue of horrors at a festival in Yalta. To my dismay, they were on stage directly before a band that I am quite fond of, however I was determined to get to the front and secure a good vantage point for the impending show. Imagine my shame when people mistook my pushing for Athlete-related enthusiasm! My life reached a new low when Athlete shat their song Wires indiscriminately into the ears of all in attendance. This song, about a baby in intensive care, is so godawful that it won an Ivor Novello Award (an award discredited by aural terrorists such as Lightbody, Blunt and Glitter). As this song creaked along, lovers whispered in each other's ears, and a dreamy fog of amour enveloped us all. In my experience, fog causes horrible road accidents.

Despite chronic over-exposure, militant fans of Athlete concoct conspiracy theories about why their beloved ear-molesters do not get more radio airtime, claiming that radio stations "decide who becomes a major player in the pop music franchise". The band has been frequently frustrated by singles just missing out on a top 40 chart spot. This is because nobody wants to buy them.

Athlete's latest offering Beyond The Neighbourhood, has been touted as a disappointment by some, and an interesting sidestep by others. Personally, I suspect that it was created by a team of depressed robots with learning difficulties.

Athlete it seems, are like most athletes - one dimensional, repetitive, badly dressed and destined for a short and undistinguished career.

Y. Stalin