Small Portion of Chips Sparks Famine Worries, Festival

Ireland is bracing itself for another wave of mass emigration, as fears of a new potato famine sweep across the nation.

The potato shortage was first noticed yesterday, when several office workers received unusually small portions of chili-cheese-chips for lunch, in Paddy Cullen's - a vaguely popular public house in Ballsbridge.

The meager helpings, while tasty, were completely unsatisfying, and looked ridiculous - languishing in the bottom of their large bowls.

Chili-cheese-chips, Ireland's second-favourite dish (after sandwiches), consists of deep-fried chips of potato, covered with a layer of beef mince in a tomatoish sauce with kidney beans and a air of chili, all smothered in a warm duvet of melted cheddar.

MCD have organised special Exodus Festival ferries to deal with the predicted panicking masses. A spokesman for Irish Ferries said "There will be additional sailings from all ports, beginning next Monday morning. Tickets will be available from Ticketmaster and usual outlets."

Justin Green of MCD excitedly claimed "This new famine exodus will be a great experience for the paying punters. Rumours that the outbound ferries will be overcrowded and flooded with a slurry of urine, vomit and excrement are unfounded. There will be hot-dogs and one brand of beer available on board, and untrained angry people from Northern Ireland will be given jobs as sea-security."

Green then took a large potato from his pocket and licked it suggestively, made a "cha-ching" type noise and laughed like a maniac. He then produced an Uzi from his jacket, tossed the vegetable into the air and shot it to pieces, covering the reporter in a starchy pulp. He then said "Stand aside peasant!" and left abruptly.

Ferry destinations are yet to be confirmed, and are subject to license.

Young Stalin On Quornography

Young Stalin shares his views, on a variety of modern issues:

#2: Quorn

I was listening to the radio today, whilst cleaning my pipe, and there was some discussion on the subject of Quorn. Ah, Quorn I thought, laughing to myself - synthesised lumps of fungus-based fake meat. How unappetising, and how unhelpful to local agriculture.

And why would a person choose to eat fake meat anyway? I won't get into the merits of vegetarianism here, but surely if one opted for that strange and unsatisfying way of life, one would stick to eating porridge with the meat taken out (you could give the succulent chunks to your dog), or even vegetables. Nutrition can be found elsewhere. Shchi (cabbage soup) is excellent.

Alas, many turn to Quorn. But does it come in grey, uniformly square cubes? No! To my dismay, i have discovered that Quorn comes in over seventy different shapes. Sausages, burgers, nuggets, sandwich slices, escalopes - there's even a "roast" that you can carve!

But what is my problem with Quorn, you may be asking? Well it's a matter of choice. Why, oh why, should vegetarians have more types of sausage to chose from than us omnivores? There are ten different types of Quorn sausage! Ten! Fake-sausages with cheese inside them, or leeks and onions, or apple and sage! The last time I ventured outside the walls of the Kremlin, my local butcher only had one type of sausage, and even he didn't know what was inside them.

I see a pig, I eat a pig. It's a natural reaction. I find these new bastard sausages offensive, ill-conceived and insensitive to the feelings of the common sausage lover. Only a true omnivore knows how it feels to be full of sausage. It is the ultimate satisfaction after a hard day's work down the mine, or at the camp, or wherever you, dear reader, may be assigned to work presently. Therefore, if one choses to reject sausage outright (as vegetarians do), then one should waive the right to this satisfaction.

But I am a reasonable man, and I suggest a compromise - Quorn should be allowed to exist, but only if it looks like nothing else edible on earth. They must invent novel shapes and cease to imitate noble pork products. This culinary plagiarism is totally over. From now on, Quorn should look like rocks, or slugs, or faecal matter (all three of which are found in 85% of rural wells) .

Then, let us see how many enticing variations those Quornograpers can come up with. I look forward to analysing the sales figures in the new year.

That is all.

Sentence of the Day!

Milkbox puts the latest three "Word of the Day" entries from dictionary.com into a splendid sentence, to aid your education.

#2: Yo banana boy - your physiognomy is not befitting of a barkeep, and this excuse for beer would not slake the thirst of an otter - I will not drink it, nor pay for it, see! - now sir, a war is won, and I leave as I entered - thirsty but victorious, for you have taken nothing from me but two worthless palindromes - good day!

Patrolling PB

Episode #1

I love my patrol boat. I anchored about three hundred metres off Pacific Beach and paddled ashore on my board. I had the hairiest chest on the beach that day, but none of those waxed fucks had a patrol boat. I secured the board to the scariest looking dog I could find and went for breakfast at Kono's. Twelve minutes from boat to French toast - a new personal best. The place was full of tools that morning.

"I want peanut butter and jelly!"
"We don't purvey it dude."
"You don't purvey shit!"
"Quod erat demonstrandum, dude."

He left. I ordered Kono's Big Breakfast #2 and sat down. The conversations in there were completely implosive. Baseball and bacon and the periodic table. I resisted the urge to spray lead around that pretty café. I ate and left. The dog turned out to be a seal or something. I brought him back to the patrol boat. He'd earned it.

. . . . to be continued.

You should eat at Kono's, more info here, from Chowdownphoenix.com