Michael Jackson Fathers Nani

The foundations of music and sport were shaken today, when it emerged that popular Portuguese footballer Nani is the son of popular American singer, Michael Jackson.

Jackson has now confirmed that Nani (aka Luís Carlos Almeida da Cunha), is the child he had formerly disowned in his 1983 hit song, Billy Jean. In a statement today, Jackson said "Billy Jean was my lover, and the kid is my son. And she wasn't like a beauty queen from a movie scene, I made that up, she was a five dollar doxy." Jackson claims he intends to rerecord the song, to reflect this new admission. "I need to put things right," he said.

Nani, of Manchester United fame, has refused to comment thus far, but sources close to the greasy winger (thought to be his teammates John O'Shea and Carlos Tevez) say he is "chuffed" and "can't wait to meet his creepy new dad".

Michael Jackson had a spell with OSC Nice between his Thriller and Bad albums, the latter of which is thought to be about his short time as a professional footballer. His old manager, Jean Sérafin, said "Michael was a really bad midfielder."

Despite ignoring Nani since his birth, Jackson did actually pick the boy's name. "Billy Jean just called me and asked me to pick a name - I didn't want to talk to her, so I just said to call it Nanny so she would leave me alone. I like nannies," said Jackson.

Jackson's other son, Blanket, is thought to be a keen sportschild, and Michael hopes that meeting his big brother might help Blanket overcome his fear of reality. "I can't wait for Nani to meet Blanket - maybe playing with Nani will give him the confidence to take of his veil the next time he plays soccer."

Jackson is expected to attend United's game against Arsenal at the Emirates Stadium next weekend. It is understood that each time Nani does a somersault Earth Song will be played over the PA system.

Bobby Robson Slates Staunton

Doddering international babysitter, Sir Bobby Robson, has finally lost patience with Republic of Ireland trainee manager, Steven Staunton, declaring he no longer wants to know the Dundalk tactician.

"If you are intelligent, constructive, fair and reasonable, then I'll go along with you. But if you are destructive, unfair, unreasonable, unintelligent, I don't want to know you."

Staunton has made a number of hilarious selection and tactical decisions throughout the Euro 2008 qualifying campaign, and now, with chances of qualification thoroughly buggered, some people have begun to question the appointment of a man who had never even played Kenny Dalglish Football Manager on the Commodore 64. In response, Staunton stared blankly into the sky and said "I had California Games."

Robson then went on to patronise troubled Stan.

"He has not had it like I did at Ipswich; 14 years of experience, of going into Europe. Stan came into it new, blind if you like. But he is a better man-manager now than he was two years ago."

Staunton has defended his selection choices, highlighting that Andy Keogh is "great at footbag", and that Andy Reid has "only recently got the hang of flying disk."

In conclusion, Sir Bob then summarised the woeful campaign.

"Aside from Cyprus when we got a thrashing - one we shouldn't have had - and San Marino when we nearly had another shock, in the other eight games I feel we've given decent performances and come close to getting maximum points."

Admittedly, it is not Staunton's fault. If I were offered the job I would have taken it too, but this is supposed to be the top job in Irish football. Staunton would have been suited to a more modest post - perhaps shooting directly from corners coach, or left back coach, but in hindsight and indeed normal sight, his appointment was probably shortsighted.