Newsflash! Push-riots!

Self-referential, absurdist humour blog, Phantom Bacon, attempts un-advertised, ironic hiatus - succeeds - returns triumphantly, resumes blogging in a seamless and nonchalant fashion, push-riots ensue.

Large crowds of pushy people wearing vests, and others gathered around PB HQ, hoping to catch a glimpse of the Phantom Baconeer, or even Milkbox himself. "Woe betide any other less absurd blogs in the vicinity," said one onlooker and push-riot enthusiast, "do you like my rolled up trousers?" he went on, before being pushed firmly backward with a transparent plastic tray by an anti-push-riot official. The pushing continues tonight - the push-riot is ongoing, and will shortly achieve official 'push-siege' status.


A second, and possibly related push-riot in nearby Dublin also made the headlines today, though it was less important, and was initially written off as a period film-shoot by the Gardaí. As all photographers were at the PB HQ push-riot, we only have a drawing of the Dublin push-riot. As you can see - this push-riot was quelled by a lone horseman, with a length of plastic pipe.

Leaf Blower Insanity - Ringsend

Dear Mr. Gormley,

I live in the Thorncastle St area of Ringsend. As you may know, this is generally a quiet part of Dublin, with little traffic, or noise created by residents. However, I would like to bring to your attention the large amount of noise created in the area by a few other sources.

Firstly, every Monday and Thursday mornings at approximately 7:30am, two men with leaf blowers begin work outside the apartment and office complex beside Ringsend Community Centre. These men seem be employed by a company called Domestic And General, and work around this complex in a maintenance capacity.

I say work, but in effect all they do is relocate minimal amounts of dust, cigarette butts and the odd leaf in Autumn (are there even any trees on Thorncastle St?). They blow these small amounts of debris from the footpath onto the road, and then proceed to blow the dirt under nearby parked cars - presumably so it cannot be seen. They do not pick up or remove any of material from the area. Now while this behaviour seems futile and illogical, my main problem with it is the noise the process creates. The leaf blowers are extremely loud - they sound like chainsaws being revved ceaselessly outside my window. One of the workers prefers a sustained rev (nnnnnnNNNNNNNNN), which the other prefers staccato revving (nNN, nNN, nNN, nNN, etc). I get up each morning just before they start, and my breakfast is truly ruined. I can only imagine how people who are still trying to sleep must feel.

Secondly, in the area at the end of the street, beside the boat club, which is surrounded by green "Zublin" hoardings - there is a large yellow lifting machine on short rails which seems to move back and forth. I do not know why this is needed here, nor do I care, but again, early every morning, and all day until work ceases - as it moves on its rails, a loud bell sounds. I realise this bell must be sounding for safety reasons on the site - but should such a loud bell be allowed right next to a residential area? The same site also seems to have some sort of motion sensor alarm at night, which when anybody comes near, triggers what is either a crazy man or a recorded message over a loudspeaker, which proclaims in a bizarre fashion "This is a restricted area! You must leave this area immediately!" Again, I understand that the company do not want intruders or loiterers, but when one hears these proclamations late at night (after 11pm), images of some Orwellian curfew come to mind - not to mention the fact that it must disturb residents trying to sleep. Surely if I were to open my windows, turn up my stereo system and holler loud dystopian threats into a microphone for all to hear I would receive a visit from the Gardai.

My next complaint concerns motorcycles. Recently Thorncastle street has become a 'rat-run' for motorcycles, as there is a gap in the wall at the end of the street, which allows motorcycles to drive through the wall beside the aforementioned Zublin hoardings and across the East Link bridge, presumably avoiding the toll. This in annoying on a number of levels - they create noise and traffic, many drive too fast on a street where many local children play, and why should they get away with not paying the toll that all other motorist must pay? I don't really blame the motorcyclists - the gap is there for them to exploit, but surely this should be made impossible for them - forcing them back onto the main roads and away from our formerly peaceful residential area.

Finally, the amounts of dog faeces on Thorncastle St continue to amaze me. A few signs have not and will not solve the problem. I and others must navigate this minefield daily.

I apologise if this seems long winded, but these issues are very annoying and I'm sure many other local residents feel the same way. Perhaps, as my local TD, there may be something you could do about these issues. I would be very obliged if you or someone from your party could investigate these issues of nuisance and noise pollution in your local constituency.

Regards,

Milkbox

Luas Hamilton Plans Unveiled

Speedy youth, Lewis Hamilton, announced this afternoon that the new extension of the Red Luas line in Dublin will be named after him. Hamilton (opposite), was speaking to Phantom Bacon in an exclusive interview, shortly after capitulating in the final race of the Formula 1 World Championship today in Brazil.

The new Luas line, or Luas Hamilton as it will be known, will run from Connolly Station to The Point, and is expected to be operational by 2012. As part of the lucrative deal, Hamilton will also have his name officially changed to Luas Hamilton, and will wear a Luas hat whenever he mounts the F1 podium for the next 8 years.

Hamilton revealed that this new light-rail endorsement had helped him to deal with the disappointment of losing out to Kimi Raikkonen. He said "I've been shafted by Ferrari today, and by Fernando Alonso all year, so it's great that I am getting a fat cheque in the mail from Luas." The exact details of the deal remain undisclosed, but it is thought that Hamilton will pocket an eight figure sum. After being nudged by a nearby man in a suit, Hamilton went on to say "Eh, ride with Luas Hamilton - aways fast and reliable! Get to The Point - with Luas!" The embarrassed Hamilton then excused himself politely, and went to play PS3 with his friends in the McLaren trailer.

Ken Arthurs, spokesperson for Luas, said "This is a great day for Luas, now that Lewis is the new face of Luas and has agreed to change his name to Luas, I am sure Luas and Luas will go from strength to strength."

Spire of Dublin - Wilting

The Spire of Dublin is officially bendy today, according to eye witness reports. The formerly straight stainless steel monument appears to be wilting, possibly due to global warming or terrorism. Other possible causes, such as religion, homophobia and tectonic movements have not yet been ruled out by Gardaí.

Authorities are understood to be consulting top panel-beaters and plumbers to ascertain if the Spire can be straightened, though the cost would likely be prohibitive.

A resident of O'Connell St said "Ah jaysus, sure it's fucked - any spare change there love?"

A government official made the following statement: "Have you people nothing better to do than look up into the sky all day? And who said it was meant to stay straight for ever anyway? It's art - you can't predict art. This is obviously just a Fine Gael ruse."

It is expected that in the coming days that a team of Chinese scaffolders will be flown in to erect a supportive bamboo scaffold around the ailing metal pole. The area around the base of the Spire has been evacuated indefinitely, with traffic being diverted through Lusk, and shops from Henry St and Talbot St relocating to a temporary car-boot sale type market in the Phoenix Park.

Scientists Test Lead Balloon Theory

Surprising results suggest lack of buoyancy, unwieldiness-

The lead balloon was put under the proverbial microscope by top minds at Dublin's most expensive university recently - laying to rest the age old debate concerning the validity of the popular saying "(x) went down like a lead balloon", to the astonishment of academics and others.

The results, published yesterday in a handy booklet, outline the redefinition of the socio-linguistic properties of the lead balloon, and balloons made from other similar materials. Lead lead scientist Francis Smithroll lead his team of students through a series of, presumably complicated, experiments to prove, and indeed disprove, various popularly held beliefs. He said at the launch of the booklet this morning:

"This is a proud day for scientists, balloons, lead and science. Once again we have proven to academics and others that science is valid . . ."

Asked what he felt was in store for lead balloons in the future, Smithroll had this to say:

"I see no reason why the lead balloon can not continue to be used as a proverbial simile."

Speculation is now rife in the halls, with fellows wondering what simile Smithroll and his team will tackle next. One was heard hollering excitedly

"It's got to be as slow as molasses in January!"

Smithroll refused to be drawn on the matter, declaring his intentions in the short term were to "enjoy the moment" and "have a party".