Taoiseach Calls For Ban on 'Unconstitutional' Music

Artless British female song-singers Allen (Lily), Adkins (Adele), Marling (Laura) and Nash (Kate) have had suffered a major setback today, as the Taoiseach called for their music to be banned in Ireland.

The motion went unopposed in the Dáil, and has been welcomed by community leaders around the country.

All existing CDs of their work are to be scratched deeply with a compass, an awl, or some similar implement, according to draft guidelines. All offending music in digital formats (such as MP3) is to printed out in binary form and shredded. All Irish-resident owners of banned material will be compensated with Prize Bonds.

Ahern (Bartholomew), referred to Article 29, section 4 of Bunreacht na hÉireann, but declined to explain how this was relevant.

Allen, Adkins, Marling and Nash were not asked for their opinions on this new ban, as it was presumed they would have nothing to say.

Some sceptics have cast doubt on Ahern's ability to follow through on this ban, following his controversial decision to renege on his 2006 'Ban-Dana' campaign, and suggested that Allen, Adkins, Marling and Nash may well end up singing future Fianna Fáil theme-songs.

When PB asked what he thought about getting into Myspace, Ahern replied "The dwelling of every citizen is inviolable and shall not be forcibly entered save in accordance with law". Ahern then gave PB a hip 'Ban-Dana' bandana from the glovebox of his car, before winking and driving away at a legal speed.

Michael Jackson Fathers Nani

The foundations of music and sport were shaken today, when it emerged that popular Portuguese footballer Nani is the son of popular American singer, Michael Jackson.

Jackson has now confirmed that Nani (aka Luís Carlos Almeida da Cunha), is the child he had formerly disowned in his 1983 hit song, Billy Jean. In a statement today, Jackson said "Billy Jean was my lover, and the kid is my son. And she wasn't like a beauty queen from a movie scene, I made that up, she was a five dollar doxy." Jackson claims he intends to rerecord the song, to reflect this new admission. "I need to put things right," he said.

Nani, of Manchester United fame, has refused to comment thus far, but sources close to the greasy winger (thought to be his teammates John O'Shea and Carlos Tevez) say he is "chuffed" and "can't wait to meet his creepy new dad".

Michael Jackson had a spell with OSC Nice between his Thriller and Bad albums, the latter of which is thought to be about his short time as a professional footballer. His old manager, Jean Sérafin, said "Michael was a really bad midfielder."

Despite ignoring Nani since his birth, Jackson did actually pick the boy's name. "Billy Jean just called me and asked me to pick a name - I didn't want to talk to her, so I just said to call it Nanny so she would leave me alone. I like nannies," said Jackson.

Jackson's other son, Blanket, is thought to be a keen sportschild, and Michael hopes that meeting his big brother might help Blanket overcome his fear of reality. "I can't wait for Nani to meet Blanket - maybe playing with Nani will give him the confidence to take of his veil the next time he plays soccer."

Jackson is expected to attend United's game against Arsenal at the Emirates Stadium next weekend. It is understood that each time Nani does a somersault Earth Song will be played over the PA system.

Young Stalin - On Music

New feature! Young Stalin shares his views on a variety of issues.

#1: Music

There is so much good music around today, that it seems more relevant to speak of what is bad. Namely, Athlete. Athlete are so bad, that they have managed to redefine the boundaries of good taste. Yet, largely due to propaganda and whinging, Athlete have gained the support of certain sectors of the populace, and even some non-state controlled broadcasters. This is the worst kind of mass brainwashing I can imagine.

I once had the misfortune of seeing Athlete perform their catalogue of horrors at a festival in Yalta. To my dismay, they were on stage directly before a band that I am quite fond of, however I was determined to get to the front and secure a good vantage point for the impending show. Imagine my shame when people mistook my pushing for Athlete-related enthusiasm! My life reached a new low when Athlete shat their song Wires indiscriminately into the ears of all in attendance. This song, about a baby in intensive care, is so godawful that it won an Ivor Novello Award (an award discredited by aural terrorists such as Lightbody, Blunt and Glitter). As this song creaked along, lovers whispered in each other's ears, and a dreamy fog of amour enveloped us all. In my experience, fog causes horrible road accidents.

Despite chronic over-exposure, militant fans of Athlete concoct conspiracy theories about why their beloved ear-molesters do not get more radio airtime, claiming that radio stations "decide who becomes a major player in the pop music franchise". The band has been frequently frustrated by singles just missing out on a top 40 chart spot. This is because nobody wants to buy them.

Athlete's latest offering Beyond The Neighbourhood, has been touted as a disappointment by some, and an interesting sidestep by others. Personally, I suspect that it was created by a team of depressed robots with learning difficulties.

Athlete it seems, are like most athletes - one dimensional, repetitive, badly dressed and destined for a short and undistinguished career.

Y. Stalin

Joe Dolan - National Man of Mystery

Joe Dolan - rampant rural charmer, balladeer, fashion pioneer, psychological enigma, intercontinental ice breaker, King of Las Vegas, bone trader, everyman - one of the great known unknowns of Ireland, and the World.

Here are ten FACTS you may or may not be aware of:

1. Joe Dolan is no ordinary vocalist. He has an enormous range and a large number of hits to prove it. The romantic, the crooner, the disco belter - Joe can do it all.
2. Joe recently sold his hip on eBay for €680
3. Joe was the first western performer to play a gig in the Soviet Union. Even in pre-prerestroika days his bootleg tapes fetched large sums on the streets of Moscow.
4. Joe's UK #3 hit Make Me An Island, was penned by Albert Hammond.
5. Joe used to babysit Albert Hammond Jr, in Mullingar.
6. Joe pioneered the use of suits that didn't change colour when soaked with sweat.
   
7. Tar and Cement was voted Greatest Song You've Never Heard Yet by the NME.
   
8. Joe has been cited as an influence by Radiohead, Dylan, Duran Duran and Morrissey.
   
9. Joe was the only reason the red Luas line was routed to pass the Red Cow Inn.
   
10. The catchphrase "There's No Show Like A Joe Show", has been scientifically validated.

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