Young Stalin On Quornography

Young Stalin shares his views, on a variety of modern issues:

#2: Quorn

I was listening to the radio today, whilst cleaning my pipe, and there was some discussion on the subject of Quorn. Ah, Quorn I thought, laughing to myself - synthesised lumps of fungus-based fake meat. How unappetising, and how unhelpful to local agriculture.

And why would a person choose to eat fake meat anyway? I won't get into the merits of vegetarianism here, but surely if one opted for that strange and unsatisfying way of life, one would stick to eating porridge with the meat taken out (you could give the succulent chunks to your dog), or even vegetables. Nutrition can be found elsewhere. Shchi (cabbage soup) is excellent.

Alas, many turn to Quorn. But does it come in grey, uniformly square cubes? No! To my dismay, i have discovered that Quorn comes in over seventy different shapes. Sausages, burgers, nuggets, sandwich slices, escalopes - there's even a "roast" that you can carve!

But what is my problem with Quorn, you may be asking? Well it's a matter of choice. Why, oh why, should vegetarians have more types of sausage to chose from than us omnivores? There are ten different types of Quorn sausage! Ten! Fake-sausages with cheese inside them, or leeks and onions, or apple and sage! The last time I ventured outside the walls of the Kremlin, my local butcher only had one type of sausage, and even he didn't know what was inside them.

I see a pig, I eat a pig. It's a natural reaction. I find these new bastard sausages offensive, ill-conceived and insensitive to the feelings of the common sausage lover. Only a true omnivore knows how it feels to be full of sausage. It is the ultimate satisfaction after a hard day's work down the mine, or at the camp, or wherever you, dear reader, may be assigned to work presently. Therefore, if one choses to reject sausage outright (as vegetarians do), then one should waive the right to this satisfaction.

But I am a reasonable man, and I suggest a compromise - Quorn should be allowed to exist, but only if it looks like nothing else edible on earth. They must invent novel shapes and cease to imitate noble pork products. This culinary plagiarism is totally over. From now on, Quorn should look like rocks, or slugs, or faecal matter (all three of which are found in 85% of rural wells) .

Then, let us see how many enticing variations those Quornograpers can come up with. I look forward to analysing the sales figures in the new year.

That is all.

Young Stalin - On Music

New feature! Young Stalin shares his views on a variety of issues.

#1: Music

There is so much good music around today, that it seems more relevant to speak of what is bad. Namely, Athlete. Athlete are so bad, that they have managed to redefine the boundaries of good taste. Yet, largely due to propaganda and whinging, Athlete have gained the support of certain sectors of the populace, and even some non-state controlled broadcasters. This is the worst kind of mass brainwashing I can imagine.

I once had the misfortune of seeing Athlete perform their catalogue of horrors at a festival in Yalta. To my dismay, they were on stage directly before a band that I am quite fond of, however I was determined to get to the front and secure a good vantage point for the impending show. Imagine my shame when people mistook my pushing for Athlete-related enthusiasm! My life reached a new low when Athlete shat their song Wires indiscriminately into the ears of all in attendance. This song, about a baby in intensive care, is so godawful that it won an Ivor Novello Award (an award discredited by aural terrorists such as Lightbody, Blunt and Glitter). As this song creaked along, lovers whispered in each other's ears, and a dreamy fog of amour enveloped us all. In my experience, fog causes horrible road accidents.

Despite chronic over-exposure, militant fans of Athlete concoct conspiracy theories about why their beloved ear-molesters do not get more radio airtime, claiming that radio stations "decide who becomes a major player in the pop music franchise". The band has been frequently frustrated by singles just missing out on a top 40 chart spot. This is because nobody wants to buy them.

Athlete's latest offering Beyond The Neighbourhood, has been touted as a disappointment by some, and an interesting sidestep by others. Personally, I suspect that it was created by a team of depressed robots with learning difficulties.

Athlete it seems, are like most athletes - one dimensional, repetitive, badly dressed and destined for a short and undistinguished career.

Y. Stalin