Rugby World Cup Makes Girl Cry

An angry father has threatened the Rugby World Cup 2007, after the major international sporting event made his daughter, Dominga (opposite), cry.

Javier Alfaro claims his daughter became very upset whilst watching the Rugby World Cup Final, contested by Jonny Wilkinson and South Africa, in their hotel room in Paris. He has openly threatened the tournament, declaring his intention to "kill the world cup".

Mr. Alfaro (below), a plumber from Peurto Deseado, southern Argentina, has been on holiday with his daughter in Europe for the duration of the tournament. When asked why his daughter had become upset, he replied "The World Cup of Rubgy is a shit, Garryowen! Garryowen! Every time!, I will kill the World Cup!"

Ms. Alfaro was almost too upset to comment, but did say "Matthew Tait has no purpose."

In a statement, IRB chairman, Bernard Lapasset, said that Mr. Alfaro's threats were being taken seriously, and all necessary precautions would be taken. "The safety of the Rugby World Cup 2007 is quite important - if the tournament were to be killed, rugby union would would be in disarray." It is understood that armed men and scary dogs will be used to protect the tournament in the coming days, until the Alfaros can be flown back to Argentina.

Aging Argentine scrumhalf, Augustin Pichot, condemned the threats, saying "This is a very un-Argentinian thing to do, dude."

French police are refusing to comment on whether Mr. Alfaro has broken any French or EU laws.

South Africa won the offending tournament, beating the lackluster Jonny Wilkinson, 15-6.

Spire of Dublin - Wilting

The Spire of Dublin is officially bendy today, according to eye witness reports. The formerly straight stainless steel monument appears to be wilting, possibly due to global warming or terrorism. Other possible causes, such as religion, homophobia and tectonic movements have not yet been ruled out by Gardaí.

Authorities are understood to be consulting top panel-beaters and plumbers to ascertain if the Spire can be straightened, though the cost would likely be prohibitive.

A resident of O'Connell St said "Ah jaysus, sure it's fucked - any spare change there love?"

A government official made the following statement: "Have you people nothing better to do than look up into the sky all day? And who said it was meant to stay straight for ever anyway? It's art - you can't predict art. This is obviously just a Fine Gael ruse."

It is expected that in the coming days that a team of Chinese scaffolders will be flown in to erect a supportive bamboo scaffold around the ailing metal pole. The area around the base of the Spire has been evacuated indefinitely, with traffic being diverted through Lusk, and shops from Henry St and Talbot St relocating to a temporary car-boot sale type market in the Phoenix Park.

Young Stalin - On Music

New feature! Young Stalin shares his views on a variety of issues.

#1: Music

There is so much good music around today, that it seems more relevant to speak of what is bad. Namely, Athlete. Athlete are so bad, that they have managed to redefine the boundaries of good taste. Yet, largely due to propaganda and whinging, Athlete have gained the support of certain sectors of the populace, and even some non-state controlled broadcasters. This is the worst kind of mass brainwashing I can imagine.

I once had the misfortune of seeing Athlete perform their catalogue of horrors at a festival in Yalta. To my dismay, they were on stage directly before a band that I am quite fond of, however I was determined to get to the front and secure a good vantage point for the impending show. Imagine my shame when people mistook my pushing for Athlete-related enthusiasm! My life reached a new low when Athlete shat their song Wires indiscriminately into the ears of all in attendance. This song, about a baby in intensive care, is so godawful that it won an Ivor Novello Award (an award discredited by aural terrorists such as Lightbody, Blunt and Glitter). As this song creaked along, lovers whispered in each other's ears, and a dreamy fog of amour enveloped us all. In my experience, fog causes horrible road accidents.

Despite chronic over-exposure, militant fans of Athlete concoct conspiracy theories about why their beloved ear-molesters do not get more radio airtime, claiming that radio stations "decide who becomes a major player in the pop music franchise". The band has been frequently frustrated by singles just missing out on a top 40 chart spot. This is because nobody wants to buy them.

Athlete's latest offering Beyond The Neighbourhood, has been touted as a disappointment by some, and an interesting sidestep by others. Personally, I suspect that it was created by a team of depressed robots with learning difficulties.

Athlete it seems, are like most athletes - one dimensional, repetitive, badly dressed and destined for a short and undistinguished career.

Y. Stalin