Newsflash! Push-riots!

Self-referential, absurdist humour blog, Phantom Bacon, attempts un-advertised, ironic hiatus - succeeds - returns triumphantly, resumes blogging in a seamless and nonchalant fashion, push-riots ensue.

Large crowds of pushy people wearing vests, and others gathered around PB HQ, hoping to catch a glimpse of the Phantom Baconeer, or even Milkbox himself. "Woe betide any other less absurd blogs in the vicinity," said one onlooker and push-riot enthusiast, "do you like my rolled up trousers?" he went on, before being pushed firmly backward with a transparent plastic tray by an anti-push-riot official. The pushing continues tonight - the push-riot is ongoing, and will shortly achieve official 'push-siege' status.


A second, and possibly related push-riot in nearby Dublin also made the headlines today, though it was less important, and was initially written off as a period film-shoot by the Gardaí. As all photographers were at the PB HQ push-riot, we only have a drawing of the Dublin push-riot. As you can see - this push-riot was quelled by a lone horseman, with a length of plastic pipe.

Michael Jackson Fathers Nani

The foundations of music and sport were shaken today, when it emerged that popular Portuguese footballer Nani is the son of popular American singer, Michael Jackson.

Jackson has now confirmed that Nani (aka Luís Carlos Almeida da Cunha), is the child he had formerly disowned in his 1983 hit song, Billy Jean. In a statement today, Jackson said "Billy Jean was my lover, and the kid is my son. And she wasn't like a beauty queen from a movie scene, I made that up, she was a five dollar doxy." Jackson claims he intends to rerecord the song, to reflect this new admission. "I need to put things right," he said.

Nani, of Manchester United fame, has refused to comment thus far, but sources close to the greasy winger (thought to be his teammates John O'Shea and Carlos Tevez) say he is "chuffed" and "can't wait to meet his creepy new dad".

Michael Jackson had a spell with OSC Nice between his Thriller and Bad albums, the latter of which is thought to be about his short time as a professional footballer. His old manager, Jean Sérafin, said "Michael was a really bad midfielder."

Despite ignoring Nani since his birth, Jackson did actually pick the boy's name. "Billy Jean just called me and asked me to pick a name - I didn't want to talk to her, so I just said to call it Nanny so she would leave me alone. I like nannies," said Jackson.

Jackson's other son, Blanket, is thought to be a keen sportschild, and Michael hopes that meeting his big brother might help Blanket overcome his fear of reality. "I can't wait for Nani to meet Blanket - maybe playing with Nani will give him the confidence to take of his veil the next time he plays soccer."

Jackson is expected to attend United's game against Arsenal at the Emirates Stadium next weekend. It is understood that each time Nani does a somersault Earth Song will be played over the PA system.

8 Ball Promoted to Major

Milkbox reports

A four year old 8 ball has been promoted to the rank of Major, in the Royal Marines. This startling rise to prominence has made him one of the youngest ever Majors. He has been assigned to Headquarters, Combined Operations - a post which Phantom Bacon has been assured, is very important. A spokesperson for the marines emphasised Major 8 Ball's decisiveness and leadership qualities, and said "He was the obvious candidate. . ."

Major 8 Ball made time for a brief phone interview with Phantom Bacon earlier today:

PB: Major are you happy with your new post?
Major: Definitely.
PB: What will be your main duties?
Major: Ask again later.
PB: Will you be available to take another call later?
Major: Yes.
PB: Do you have time for a couple more questions now?
Major: Maybe.
PB: Do you think a four year old Major can gain the respect of his subordinates?
Major: Absolutely!
PB: What makes you so sure? It is unprecedented in military history.
Major: Outlook not so good.
PB: I see. We're out of time - anything else you'd like to say to the readers of Phantom Bacon?
Major: Definately.
PB: Yes . . . go ahead.
Major: No way!
PB: Okay, thank you for your time Major.
Major: My sources say no.