Dave!

Dave!

Dave! - Episode #1


*Dave! is an original creation, limited only by the capabilities of MS Paint and the quality of my brain.

Top 5 Staunton & O'Leary Anagrams

Steve Staunton:

1. Veto Anus Tents
2. Taste Oven Nuts
3. No Tetanus Vets
4. Vote Nuns Teats
5. Tuna Stones Vet

David O'Leary:

1. Already Void
2. A Lardy Video
3. Dialed Ovary
4. Avoid Dry Ale
5. Oily Rave Dad

Leaf Blower Insanity - Ringsend

Dear Mr. Gormley,

I live in the Thorncastle St area of Ringsend. As you may know, this is generally a quiet part of Dublin, with little traffic, or noise created by residents. However, I would like to bring to your attention the large amount of noise created in the area by a few other sources.

Firstly, every Monday and Thursday mornings at approximately 7:30am, two men with leaf blowers begin work outside the apartment and office complex beside Ringsend Community Centre. These men seem be employed by a company called Domestic And General, and work around this complex in a maintenance capacity.

I say work, but in effect all they do is relocate minimal amounts of dust, cigarette butts and the odd leaf in Autumn (are there even any trees on Thorncastle St?). They blow these small amounts of debris from the footpath onto the road, and then proceed to blow the dirt under nearby parked cars - presumably so it cannot be seen. They do not pick up or remove any of material from the area. Now while this behaviour seems futile and illogical, my main problem with it is the noise the process creates. The leaf blowers are extremely loud - they sound like chainsaws being revved ceaselessly outside my window. One of the workers prefers a sustained rev (nnnnnnNNNNNNNNN), which the other prefers staccato revving (nNN, nNN, nNN, nNN, etc). I get up each morning just before they start, and my breakfast is truly ruined. I can only imagine how people who are still trying to sleep must feel.

Secondly, in the area at the end of the street, beside the boat club, which is surrounded by green "Zublin" hoardings - there is a large yellow lifting machine on short rails which seems to move back and forth. I do not know why this is needed here, nor do I care, but again, early every morning, and all day until work ceases - as it moves on its rails, a loud bell sounds. I realise this bell must be sounding for safety reasons on the site - but should such a loud bell be allowed right next to a residential area? The same site also seems to have some sort of motion sensor alarm at night, which when anybody comes near, triggers what is either a crazy man or a recorded message over a loudspeaker, which proclaims in a bizarre fashion "This is a restricted area! You must leave this area immediately!" Again, I understand that the company do not want intruders or loiterers, but when one hears these proclamations late at night (after 11pm), images of some Orwellian curfew come to mind - not to mention the fact that it must disturb residents trying to sleep. Surely if I were to open my windows, turn up my stereo system and holler loud dystopian threats into a microphone for all to hear I would receive a visit from the Gardai.

My next complaint concerns motorcycles. Recently Thorncastle street has become a 'rat-run' for motorcycles, as there is a gap in the wall at the end of the street, which allows motorcycles to drive through the wall beside the aforementioned Zublin hoardings and across the East Link bridge, presumably avoiding the toll. This in annoying on a number of levels - they create noise and traffic, many drive too fast on a street where many local children play, and why should they get away with not paying the toll that all other motorist must pay? I don't really blame the motorcyclists - the gap is there for them to exploit, but surely this should be made impossible for them - forcing them back onto the main roads and away from our formerly peaceful residential area.

Finally, the amounts of dog faeces on Thorncastle St continue to amaze me. A few signs have not and will not solve the problem. I and others must navigate this minefield daily.

I apologise if this seems long winded, but these issues are very annoying and I'm sure many other local residents feel the same way. Perhaps, as my local TD, there may be something you could do about these issues. I would be very obliged if you or someone from your party could investigate these issues of nuisance and noise pollution in your local constituency.

Regards,

Milkbox

A Messay on Blog Production Values

Blog content has varied in quality since the mid 1800's. This variation has typically been met with a varied reaction from readers, critics and awarding bodies. Despite 150 odd years of debate on the matter, there seems to be no general consensus in blogging circles on the issue. The question should blog content be any good?, remains both pertinent and unanswered - and, perhaps, unanswerable.

Blog content can be subdivided into two main categories - text, and graphics/other stuff. The quality of text has improved noticeably since the invention of fonts, but still remains hampered by the individual blogger's grasp of language, grammar and typing.

Notable textual heavyweight, and everybody's favourite gay, Stephen Fry (opposite), blogs with alphabetical vigour, but is let down by his graphics/other stuff. (One must scroll down 37 times to discover a picture.) Perhaps Fry and his team should deploy some higher production values. Or, could it be that Fry is using poor graphics/other stuff intentionally, to somehow amuse?

According to the Internet, "Low production values can be an intentional or unintentional source of humor. [Things] are often enjoyed, not in spite of, but because of their comical special effects, glaring continuity errors and poor [graphical] quality". This new take on blogs and their analysis may seem outlandish to traditionalists, but is certainly worthy of investigation.

High production values, while admirable, may actually be a waste of time. Time - a vague, unproven and intangible concept - can be wasted in many ways, and again there is no consensus on this issue. Spending time creating impressive visuals, which may only be viewed half-heartedly by the masses, is unsustainable for the average blogger.

On the other hand, cheap and cheerful MS Paint doodles can offend and cause physical pain, yet advocates are pushing the view that they are better than nothing. But can something be better than nothing? If nothing does not exist, by what criteria could nothing be judged to be worse that something?

Popular Snackblog, Phantom Bacon, has recently used several low production values, in an experimental fashion. Despite using these train-crash graphics, when compared to Fry's efforts, PB is a veritable orgy for the senses. (Touch, smell, taste, sight, hearing, etc.) Textually though, Phantom Bacon disappoints, frequently employing cliche and lacking useful information or any real insight.

With both these titans of the blogging world failing, in ways so apt for this messay, it remains to be seen if blogs have a future on the Internet. Blog content continues to be both bad and good regardless, and until we, the humans, can agree on which is more desirable, Google's web crawling algorithms will continue to shovel blog links of varied quality into easily browsed lists.

Sentence Of The Day!

Milkbox puts the latest three Word of the Day entries from dictionary.com into a splendid sentence, to aid your education.

#4: Even the most purblind man, when going about his quotidian affairs, must realise that extant pressures rotate the brain.

Spire of Dublin - Wilting

The Spire of Dublin is officially bendy today, according to eye witness reports. The formerly straight stainless steel monument appears to be wilting, possibly due to global warming or terrorism. Other possible causes, such as religion, homophobia and tectonic movements have not yet been ruled out by Gardaí.

Authorities are understood to be consulting top panel-beaters and plumbers to ascertain if the Spire can be straightened, though the cost would likely be prohibitive.

A resident of O'Connell St said "Ah jaysus, sure it's fucked - any spare change there love?"

A government official made the following statement: "Have you people nothing better to do than look up into the sky all day? And who said it was meant to stay straight for ever anyway? It's art - you can't predict art. This is obviously just a Fine Gael ruse."

It is expected that in the coming days that a team of Chinese scaffolders will be flown in to erect a supportive bamboo scaffold around the ailing metal pole. The area around the base of the Spire has been evacuated indefinitely, with traffic being diverted through Lusk, and shops from Henry St and Talbot St relocating to a temporary car-boot sale type market in the Phoenix Park.

8 Ball Promoted to Major

Milkbox reports

A four year old 8 ball has been promoted to the rank of Major, in the Royal Marines. This startling rise to prominence has made him one of the youngest ever Majors. He has been assigned to Headquarters, Combined Operations - a post which Phantom Bacon has been assured, is very important. A spokesperson for the marines emphasised Major 8 Ball's decisiveness and leadership qualities, and said "He was the obvious candidate. . ."

Major 8 Ball made time for a brief phone interview with Phantom Bacon earlier today:

PB: Major are you happy with your new post?
Major: Definitely.
PB: What will be your main duties?
Major: Ask again later.
PB: Will you be available to take another call later?
Major: Yes.
PB: Do you have time for a couple more questions now?
Major: Maybe.
PB: Do you think a four year old Major can gain the respect of his subordinates?
Major: Absolutely!
PB: What makes you so sure? It is unprecedented in military history.
Major: Outlook not so good.
PB: I see. We're out of time - anything else you'd like to say to the readers of Phantom Bacon?
Major: Definately.
PB: Yes . . . go ahead.
Major: No way!
PB: Okay, thank you for your time Major.
Major: My sources say no.

Sentence of the Day!

Milkbox puts the latest three "Word of the Day" entries from dictionary.com into a splendid sentence, to aid your education.

#2: Yo banana boy - your physiognomy is not befitting of a barkeep, and this excuse for beer would not slake the thirst of an otter - I will not drink it, nor pay for it, see! - now sir, a war is won, and I leave as I entered - thirsty but victorious, for you have taken nothing from me but two worthless palindromes - good day!

Patrolling PB

Episode #1

I love my patrol boat. I anchored about three hundred metres off Pacific Beach and paddled ashore on my board. I had the hairiest chest on the beach that day, but none of those waxed fucks had a patrol boat. I secured the board to the scariest looking dog I could find and went for breakfast at Kono's. Twelve minutes from boat to French toast - a new personal best. The place was full of tools that morning.

"I want peanut butter and jelly!"
"We don't purvey it dude."
"You don't purvey shit!"
"Quod erat demonstrandum, dude."

He left. I ordered Kono's Big Breakfast #2 and sat down. The conversations in there were completely implosive. Baseball and bacon and the periodic table. I resisted the urge to spray lead around that pretty café. I ate and left. The dog turned out to be a seal or something. I brought him back to the patrol boat. He'd earned it.

. . . . to be continued.

You should eat at Kono's, more info here, from Chowdownphoenix.com