Phantom Star Signs

Aries - There will be things floating in your tea today. Avoid tea.

Taurus - You will develop an itch - rub it with a hair brush. If you see more than six children today, quit your job.

Gemini - Your blog is awful. Delete it and go to Chad.

Cancer - You will meet a man or a woman today, near a magpie. Kill the magpie for prolonged good fortune. Beware of Spar.

Leo - Beware of architecture, weather and stairs. Stop reading the Mirror. To be king of the jungle call me on 1560 933 587.

Virgo - Fuck off, Virgo.

Libra - Pre-heat oven to 180ºC/350ºF/Gas Mark 4. Place the Baking Cases into a cupcake tin. Cream together the butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Gradually beat in the eggs and the vanilla extract, if the mixture starts to curdle, add a little flour. Fold in the remaining flour with a metal spoon. Place spoonfuls of the mixture into the Baking Cases and bake for 15 - 20 minutes until well risen and firm to the touch. Remove from the oven and leave to cool on a cooling rack.

Scorpio - Treat yourself to some new cheap make-up and some earrings from Argos. You deserve it.

Sagittarius - You were an accident.

Capricorn - Tyne Dogger Fisher German Bight Humber - East veering south or southwest 3 or 4, increasing 5 or 6 except in Humber. Slight or moderate. Occasional drizzle. Moderate or good. There are warnings of gales in Rockall, Malin, Hebrides, Bailey, Fair Isle, Faeroes and Southeast Iceland.

Aquarius - You look like an androgynous she-boy, get a haircut.

Pisces - Don't allow reality to cloud your dreams, eat more cheese to improve lucidity while sleeping. Demand a raise, proposition that person you fancy, purchase a Ferrari/pair of shoes, wake up, moan about life all day.

Dolanius (special bonus star sign)- You will not have to share your fate with one twelfth of earth's population today - your day will be completely unique. It is likely that you may elbow a lady or fat gentleman in the chest in a crowded space. Ask them for their number. For more information, blow your nose and interpret the tissue.