Luas Hamilton Plans Unveiled

Speedy youth, Lewis Hamilton, announced this afternoon that the new extension of the Red Luas line in Dublin will be named after him. Hamilton (opposite), was speaking to Phantom Bacon in an exclusive interview, shortly after capitulating in the final race of the Formula 1 World Championship today in Brazil.

The new Luas line, or Luas Hamilton as it will be known, will run from Connolly Station to The Point, and is expected to be operational by 2012. As part of the lucrative deal, Hamilton will also have his name officially changed to Luas Hamilton, and will wear a Luas hat whenever he mounts the F1 podium for the next 8 years.

Hamilton revealed that this new light-rail endorsement had helped him to deal with the disappointment of losing out to Kimi Raikkonen. He said "I've been shafted by Ferrari today, and by Fernando Alonso all year, so it's great that I am getting a fat cheque in the mail from Luas." The exact details of the deal remain undisclosed, but it is thought that Hamilton will pocket an eight figure sum. After being nudged by a nearby man in a suit, Hamilton went on to say "Eh, ride with Luas Hamilton - aways fast and reliable! Get to The Point - with Luas!" The embarrassed Hamilton then excused himself politely, and went to play PS3 with his friends in the McLaren trailer.

Ken Arthurs, spokesperson for Luas, said "This is a great day for Luas, now that Lewis is the new face of Luas and has agreed to change his name to Luas, I am sure Luas and Luas will go from strength to strength."

Joe Dolan - National Man of Mystery

Joe Dolan - rampant rural charmer, balladeer, fashion pioneer, psychological enigma, intercontinental ice breaker, King of Las Vegas, bone trader, everyman - one of the great known unknowns of Ireland, and the World.

Here are ten FACTS you may or may not be aware of:

1. Joe Dolan is no ordinary vocalist. He has an enormous range and a large number of hits to prove it. The romantic, the crooner, the disco belter - Joe can do it all.
2. Joe recently sold his hip on eBay for €680
3. Joe was the first western performer to play a gig in the Soviet Union. Even in pre-prerestroika days his bootleg tapes fetched large sums on the streets of Moscow.
4. Joe's UK #3 hit Make Me An Island, was penned by Albert Hammond.
5. Joe used to babysit Albert Hammond Jr, in Mullingar.
6. Joe pioneered the use of suits that didn't change colour when soaked with sweat.
   
7. Tar and Cement was voted Greatest Song You've Never Heard Yet by the NME.
   
8. Joe has been cited as an influence by Radiohead, Dylan, Duran Duran and Morrissey.
   
9. Joe was the only reason the red Luas line was routed to pass the Red Cow Inn.
   
10. The catchphrase "There's No Show Like A Joe Show", has been scientifically validated.

• Fancy Paper, for you to print, cut out and keep