Leaf Blower Insanity - Ringsend

Dear Mr. Gormley,

I live in the Thorncastle St area of Ringsend. As you may know, this is generally a quiet part of Dublin, with little traffic, or noise created by residents. However, I would like to bring to your attention the large amount of noise created in the area by a few other sources.

Firstly, every Monday and Thursday mornings at approximately 7:30am, two men with leaf blowers begin work outside the apartment and office complex beside Ringsend Community Centre. These men seem be employed by a company called Domestic And General, and work around this complex in a maintenance capacity.

I say work, but in effect all they do is relocate minimal amounts of dust, cigarette butts and the odd leaf in Autumn (are there even any trees on Thorncastle St?). They blow these small amounts of debris from the footpath onto the road, and then proceed to blow the dirt under nearby parked cars - presumably so it cannot be seen. They do not pick up or remove any of material from the area. Now while this behaviour seems futile and illogical, my main problem with it is the noise the process creates. The leaf blowers are extremely loud - they sound like chainsaws being revved ceaselessly outside my window. One of the workers prefers a sustained rev (nnnnnnNNNNNNNNN), which the other prefers staccato revving (nNN, nNN, nNN, nNN, etc). I get up each morning just before they start, and my breakfast is truly ruined. I can only imagine how people who are still trying to sleep must feel.

Secondly, in the area at the end of the street, beside the boat club, which is surrounded by green "Zublin" hoardings - there is a large yellow lifting machine on short rails which seems to move back and forth. I do not know why this is needed here, nor do I care, but again, early every morning, and all day until work ceases - as it moves on its rails, a loud bell sounds. I realise this bell must be sounding for safety reasons on the site - but should such a loud bell be allowed right next to a residential area? The same site also seems to have some sort of motion sensor alarm at night, which when anybody comes near, triggers what is either a crazy man or a recorded message over a loudspeaker, which proclaims in a bizarre fashion "This is a restricted area! You must leave this area immediately!" Again, I understand that the company do not want intruders or loiterers, but when one hears these proclamations late at night (after 11pm), images of some Orwellian curfew come to mind - not to mention the fact that it must disturb residents trying to sleep. Surely if I were to open my windows, turn up my stereo system and holler loud dystopian threats into a microphone for all to hear I would receive a visit from the Gardai.

My next complaint concerns motorcycles. Recently Thorncastle street has become a 'rat-run' for motorcycles, as there is a gap in the wall at the end of the street, which allows motorcycles to drive through the wall beside the aforementioned Zublin hoardings and across the East Link bridge, presumably avoiding the toll. This in annoying on a number of levels - they create noise and traffic, many drive too fast on a street where many local children play, and why should they get away with not paying the toll that all other motorist must pay? I don't really blame the motorcyclists - the gap is there for them to exploit, but surely this should be made impossible for them - forcing them back onto the main roads and away from our formerly peaceful residential area.

Finally, the amounts of dog faeces on Thorncastle St continue to amaze me. A few signs have not and will not solve the problem. I and others must navigate this minefield daily.

I apologise if this seems long winded, but these issues are very annoying and I'm sure many other local residents feel the same way. Perhaps, as my local TD, there may be something you could do about these issues. I would be very obliged if you or someone from your party could investigate these issues of nuisance and noise pollution in your local constituency.

Regards,

Milkbox

Bobby Robson Slates Staunton

Doddering international babysitter, Sir Bobby Robson, has finally lost patience with Republic of Ireland trainee manager, Steven Staunton, declaring he no longer wants to know the Dundalk tactician.

"If you are intelligent, constructive, fair and reasonable, then I'll go along with you. But if you are destructive, unfair, unreasonable, unintelligent, I don't want to know you."

Staunton has made a number of hilarious selection and tactical decisions throughout the Euro 2008 qualifying campaign, and now, with chances of qualification thoroughly buggered, some people have begun to question the appointment of a man who had never even played Kenny Dalglish Football Manager on the Commodore 64. In response, Staunton stared blankly into the sky and said "I had California Games."

Robson then went on to patronise troubled Stan.

"He has not had it like I did at Ipswich; 14 years of experience, of going into Europe. Stan came into it new, blind if you like. But he is a better man-manager now than he was two years ago."

Staunton has defended his selection choices, highlighting that Andy Keogh is "great at footbag", and that Andy Reid has "only recently got the hang of flying disk."

In conclusion, Sir Bob then summarised the woeful campaign.

"Aside from Cyprus when we got a thrashing - one we shouldn't have had - and San Marino when we nearly had another shock, in the other eight games I feel we've given decent performances and come close to getting maximum points."

Admittedly, it is not Staunton's fault. If I were offered the job I would have taken it too, but this is supposed to be the top job in Irish football. Staunton would have been suited to a more modest post - perhaps shooting directly from corners coach, or left back coach, but in hindsight and indeed normal sight, his appointment was probably shortsighted.

New Ship - Completely Syncable

Mariners around the globe celebrated today, as the latest evolution of ship design was launched in Rosslare Europort, Co. Wexford. This new type of vessel is completely syncable, according to prominent nautical sources.

The computer simulated image outlines the nine ingenious components of the ship. They are as follows:

1. Front
2. Knee
3. Hammerhead Shark Inlet
4. Side
5. Sync Hole, with fan
6. Back
7. Chimney
8. Sync Deck
9. Top

It is thought that the Sync Hole is particularly important in relation to the unprecedented syncability of the ship. This feature allows the ship to sync faster than any other ship in history, and relegates unsyncable ships into the history books.

The captain of the world's first fully syncable ship, Captain Ivor Mainland, had this to say at the launch this morning: "This is a proud day for me, as Captain of the Zealous Floater, and I am privileged to be the first person to sail one of these marvelous ships out into open water, where I plan to sync it immediately!"

When asked what a ship is - he succinctly replied: "You can put your boat on a ship, but you can't put your ship on a boat."

It remains to be seen whether completely syncable ships become the norm in worldwide shipping circles, but the outlook is promising, and it is hoped that the Navy will adopt the design principals before 2017.

The ship is compatible with most PDA's, laptops, sat nav systems, blackberries, PSP's, mobile phones and SNES, but not with any Apple products. An Apple spokesperson said: "We have no interest in exploring the ocean at this moment".

Joe Dolan - National Man of Mystery

Joe Dolan - rampant rural charmer, balladeer, fashion pioneer, psychological enigma, intercontinental ice breaker, King of Las Vegas, bone trader, everyman - one of the great known unknowns of Ireland, and the World.

Here are ten FACTS you may or may not be aware of:

1. Joe Dolan is no ordinary vocalist. He has an enormous range and a large number of hits to prove it. The romantic, the crooner, the disco belter - Joe can do it all.
2. Joe recently sold his hip on eBay for €680
3. Joe was the first western performer to play a gig in the Soviet Union. Even in pre-prerestroika days his bootleg tapes fetched large sums on the streets of Moscow.
4. Joe's UK #3 hit Make Me An Island, was penned by Albert Hammond.
5. Joe used to babysit Albert Hammond Jr, in Mullingar.
6. Joe pioneered the use of suits that didn't change colour when soaked with sweat.
   
7. Tar and Cement was voted Greatest Song You've Never Heard Yet by the NME.
   
8. Joe has been cited as an influence by Radiohead, Dylan, Duran Duran and Morrissey.
   
9. Joe was the only reason the red Luas line was routed to pass the Red Cow Inn.
   
10. The catchphrase "There's No Show Like A Joe Show", has been scientifically validated.

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