Michael Jackson Fathers Nani

The foundations of music and sport were shaken today, when it emerged that popular Portuguese footballer Nani is the son of popular American singer, Michael Jackson.

Jackson has now confirmed that Nani (aka Luís Carlos Almeida da Cunha), is the child he had formerly disowned in his 1983 hit song, Billy Jean. In a statement today, Jackson said "Billy Jean was my lover, and the kid is my son. And she wasn't like a beauty queen from a movie scene, I made that up, she was a five dollar doxy." Jackson claims he intends to rerecord the song, to reflect this new admission. "I need to put things right," he said.

Nani, of Manchester United fame, has refused to comment thus far, but sources close to the greasy winger (thought to be his teammates John O'Shea and Carlos Tevez) say he is "chuffed" and "can't wait to meet his creepy new dad".

Michael Jackson had a spell with OSC Nice between his Thriller and Bad albums, the latter of which is thought to be about his short time as a professional footballer. His old manager, Jean Sérafin, said "Michael was a really bad midfielder."

Despite ignoring Nani since his birth, Jackson did actually pick the boy's name. "Billy Jean just called me and asked me to pick a name - I didn't want to talk to her, so I just said to call it Nanny so she would leave me alone. I like nannies," said Jackson.

Jackson's other son, Blanket, is thought to be a keen sportschild, and Michael hopes that meeting his big brother might help Blanket overcome his fear of reality. "I can't wait for Nani to meet Blanket - maybe playing with Nani will give him the confidence to take of his veil the next time he plays soccer."

Jackson is expected to attend United's game against Arsenal at the Emirates Stadium next weekend. It is understood that each time Nani does a somersault Earth Song will be played over the PA system.

Aktiebolaget Gas Accumulator

I found an AGA in the hedge today. I might build a kitchen around it.

Apparenly "AGA Saga" is a genre of fiction. The stories are generally about stereotypical AGA owners.

I might write one. Here. Soon.

Phantom Star Signs

Aries - There will be things floating in your tea today. Avoid tea.

Taurus - You will develop an itch - rub it with a hair brush. If you see more than six children today, quit your job.

Gemini - Your blog is awful. Delete it and go to Chad.

Cancer - You will meet a man or a woman today, near a magpie. Kill the magpie for prolonged good fortune. Beware of Spar.

Leo - Beware of architecture, weather and stairs. Stop reading the Mirror. To be king of the jungle call me on 1560 933 587.

Virgo - Fuck off, Virgo.

Libra - Pre-heat oven to 180ºC/350ºF/Gas Mark 4. Place the Baking Cases into a cupcake tin. Cream together the butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Gradually beat in the eggs and the vanilla extract, if the mixture starts to curdle, add a little flour. Fold in the remaining flour with a metal spoon. Place spoonfuls of the mixture into the Baking Cases and bake for 15 - 20 minutes until well risen and firm to the touch. Remove from the oven and leave to cool on a cooling rack.

Scorpio - Treat yourself to some new cheap make-up and some earrings from Argos. You deserve it.

Sagittarius - You were an accident.

Capricorn - Tyne Dogger Fisher German Bight Humber - East veering south or southwest 3 or 4, increasing 5 or 6 except in Humber. Slight or moderate. Occasional drizzle. Moderate or good. There are warnings of gales in Rockall, Malin, Hebrides, Bailey, Fair Isle, Faeroes and Southeast Iceland.

Aquarius - You look like an androgynous she-boy, get a haircut.

Pisces - Don't allow reality to cloud your dreams, eat more cheese to improve lucidity while sleeping. Demand a raise, proposition that person you fancy, purchase a Ferrari/pair of shoes, wake up, moan about life all day.

Dolanius (special bonus star sign)- You will not have to share your fate with one twelfth of earth's population today - your day will be completely unique. It is likely that you may elbow a lady or fat gentleman in the chest in a crowded space. Ask them for their number. For more information, blow your nose and interpret the tissue.

Young Stalin On Quornography

Young Stalin shares his views, on a variety of modern issues:

#2: Quorn

I was listening to the radio today, whilst cleaning my pipe, and there was some discussion on the subject of Quorn. Ah, Quorn I thought, laughing to myself - synthesised lumps of fungus-based fake meat. How unappetising, and how unhelpful to local agriculture.

And why would a person choose to eat fake meat anyway? I won't get into the merits of vegetarianism here, but surely if one opted for that strange and unsatisfying way of life, one would stick to eating porridge with the meat taken out (you could give the succulent chunks to your dog), or even vegetables. Nutrition can be found elsewhere. Shchi (cabbage soup) is excellent.

Alas, many turn to Quorn. But does it come in grey, uniformly square cubes? No! To my dismay, i have discovered that Quorn comes in over seventy different shapes. Sausages, burgers, nuggets, sandwich slices, escalopes - there's even a "roast" that you can carve!

But what is my problem with Quorn, you may be asking? Well it's a matter of choice. Why, oh why, should vegetarians have more types of sausage to chose from than us omnivores? There are ten different types of Quorn sausage! Ten! Fake-sausages with cheese inside them, or leeks and onions, or apple and sage! The last time I ventured outside the walls of the Kremlin, my local butcher only had one type of sausage, and even he didn't know what was inside them.

I see a pig, I eat a pig. It's a natural reaction. I find these new bastard sausages offensive, ill-conceived and insensitive to the feelings of the common sausage lover. Only a true omnivore knows how it feels to be full of sausage. It is the ultimate satisfaction after a hard day's work down the mine, or at the camp, or wherever you, dear reader, may be assigned to work presently. Therefore, if one choses to reject sausage outright (as vegetarians do), then one should waive the right to this satisfaction.

But I am a reasonable man, and I suggest a compromise - Quorn should be allowed to exist, but only if it looks like nothing else edible on earth. They must invent novel shapes and cease to imitate noble pork products. This culinary plagiarism is totally over. From now on, Quorn should look like rocks, or slugs, or faecal matter (all three of which are found in 85% of rural wells) .

Then, let us see how many enticing variations those Quornograpers can come up with. I look forward to analysing the sales figures in the new year.

That is all.

Grey - A Review

Grey is my favourite colour. Here are some of my favourite shades, their hex triplets, and some associated trivia:

• Arsenic - (#3B444B) : the dark blueish grey of the element Arsenic. The 1944 film Arsenic and Old Lace is a shit old movie by Frank Capra.

• Taupe - (#483C32) : A vague dark greyish colour. They say taupe is very soothing. Some people think taupe is brown or tan. They are wrong.
  

• Davy's Grey - (#788878) : A greeny grey colour. They say Davy turned this colour one day, shortly before vomiting.


• Feldgrau - (#4D5D53) : A light grey/green colour. The preferred shade of the German military in the early 20th century.
  

Here are the top five things that look good in grey:

1. Stone
2. Corduroy
3. Brain
4. Modern Technology
5. Stripes

Thank you, reader.

Top 5 Staunton & O'Leary Anagrams

Steve Staunton:

1. Veto Anus Tents
2. Taste Oven Nuts
3. No Tetanus Vets
4. Vote Nuns Teats
5. Tuna Stones Vet

David O'Leary:

1. Already Void
2. A Lardy Video
3. Dialed Ovary
4. Avoid Dry Ale
5. Oily Rave Dad

Leaf Blower Insanity - Ringsend

Dear Mr. Gormley,

I live in the Thorncastle St area of Ringsend. As you may know, this is generally a quiet part of Dublin, with little traffic, or noise created by residents. However, I would like to bring to your attention the large amount of noise created in the area by a few other sources.

Firstly, every Monday and Thursday mornings at approximately 7:30am, two men with leaf blowers begin work outside the apartment and office complex beside Ringsend Community Centre. These men seem be employed by a company called Domestic And General, and work around this complex in a maintenance capacity.

I say work, but in effect all they do is relocate minimal amounts of dust, cigarette butts and the odd leaf in Autumn (are there even any trees on Thorncastle St?). They blow these small amounts of debris from the footpath onto the road, and then proceed to blow the dirt under nearby parked cars - presumably so it cannot be seen. They do not pick up or remove any of material from the area. Now while this behaviour seems futile and illogical, my main problem with it is the noise the process creates. The leaf blowers are extremely loud - they sound like chainsaws being revved ceaselessly outside my window. One of the workers prefers a sustained rev (nnnnnnNNNNNNNNN), which the other prefers staccato revving (nNN, nNN, nNN, nNN, etc). I get up each morning just before they start, and my breakfast is truly ruined. I can only imagine how people who are still trying to sleep must feel.

Secondly, in the area at the end of the street, beside the boat club, which is surrounded by green "Zublin" hoardings - there is a large yellow lifting machine on short rails which seems to move back and forth. I do not know why this is needed here, nor do I care, but again, early every morning, and all day until work ceases - as it moves on its rails, a loud bell sounds. I realise this bell must be sounding for safety reasons on the site - but should such a loud bell be allowed right next to a residential area? The same site also seems to have some sort of motion sensor alarm at night, which when anybody comes near, triggers what is either a crazy man or a recorded message over a loudspeaker, which proclaims in a bizarre fashion "This is a restricted area! You must leave this area immediately!" Again, I understand that the company do not want intruders or loiterers, but when one hears these proclamations late at night (after 11pm), images of some Orwellian curfew come to mind - not to mention the fact that it must disturb residents trying to sleep. Surely if I were to open my windows, turn up my stereo system and holler loud dystopian threats into a microphone for all to hear I would receive a visit from the Gardai.

My next complaint concerns motorcycles. Recently Thorncastle street has become a 'rat-run' for motorcycles, as there is a gap in the wall at the end of the street, which allows motorcycles to drive through the wall beside the aforementioned Zublin hoardings and across the East Link bridge, presumably avoiding the toll. This in annoying on a number of levels - they create noise and traffic, many drive too fast on a street where many local children play, and why should they get away with not paying the toll that all other motorist must pay? I don't really blame the motorcyclists - the gap is there for them to exploit, but surely this should be made impossible for them - forcing them back onto the main roads and away from our formerly peaceful residential area.

Finally, the amounts of dog faeces on Thorncastle St continue to amaze me. A few signs have not and will not solve the problem. I and others must navigate this minefield daily.

I apologise if this seems long winded, but these issues are very annoying and I'm sure many other local residents feel the same way. Perhaps, as my local TD, there may be something you could do about these issues. I would be very obliged if you or someone from your party could investigate these issues of nuisance and noise pollution in your local constituency.

Regards,

Milkbox