Scientists Test Lead Balloon Theory

Surprising results suggest lack of buoyancy, unwieldiness-

The lead balloon was put under the proverbial microscope by top minds at Dublin's most expensive university recently - laying to rest the age old debate concerning the validity of the popular saying "(x) went down like a lead balloon", to the astonishment of academics and others.

The results, published yesterday in a handy booklet, outline the redefinition of the socio-linguistic properties of the lead balloon, and balloons made from other similar materials. Lead lead scientist Francis Smithroll lead his team of students through a series of, presumably complicated, experiments to prove, and indeed disprove, various popularly held beliefs. He said at the launch of the booklet this morning:

"This is a proud day for scientists, balloons, lead and science. Once again we have proven to academics and others that science is valid . . ."

Asked what he felt was in store for lead balloons in the future, Smithroll had this to say:

"I see no reason why the lead balloon can not continue to be used as a proverbial simile."

Speculation is now rife in the halls, with fellows wondering what simile Smithroll and his team will tackle next. One was heard hollering excitedly

"It's got to be as slow as molasses in January!"

Smithroll refused to be drawn on the matter, declaring his intentions in the short term were to "enjoy the moment" and "have a party".